“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but loses his soul?”
I first heard that somewhat of a rhetorical question from a cool singer called Toby Mac. I was only twelve and I didn’t understand what it meant. I didn’t even know that it was rhetorical until a year ago.
It first made sense when I felt like my whole world was finally at sync with my expectations. I wasn’t sad nor was I disappointed with my dreadful life. I wasn’t ashamed of myself. I never even cried (at the time). It was as if things were finally going well for me. I’ve been alive for twenty years and never have I ever felt this kind of happiness in my heart, though it felt a little strange, considering I felt it when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn’t say that our one-and-a-half-year relationship was an embarrassing epic fail, but it did feel pretty refreshing when it ended. And when it did, it was as if I unlocked a new exciting door in my life.
Being single was the road to happiness and freedom and that’s not even an assumption. It happened, it’s real. I’m not saying this to degrade or bully my ex, since we’re close friends now. But you have to admit, sometimes endings are the beginnings of a beautiful new chapter.
Since the day I accepted the fact that love isn’t real nor is it eternal (at least with living creatures on Earth), things became so clear to me. I could feel rainbows and see unicorns and eat chocolate in my sleep. I felt high in a non-illegal way and it was addictive. I became less paranoid and more into freedom, into days filled with “less of rain, more of sunshine”, but that changed me a little.
As if good change wasn’t invented for me, things shifted a hundred and eighty degrees. Not long after, the universe gave me a call (yeah, I know I’m cheesy). It hates the guts out of me, I had to fall right back to the Hell hole I tried to stay away from. And now, I’m back to zero.
So, where am I now? Well, I am inside my own body, glued with sarcasm and blotched with pessimism. Well, at least I’m oozing with charisma and dazzling with wild.
I started thinking on where I went wrong. I didn’t think I moved on too fast. And I didn’t think I liked another person too much. Everything was balanced – family, friends, work, community, self. It didn’t add up. I thought I had done everything right, but it turns out I was being silly the entire time. I forgot about Jesus and this ugly thing called “true love”.
True love is not on Earth. No, believe me. Yes, bet on it. True love isn’t real. Do you even know what love is? It says that love is patient, kind, humble, it sustains, it provides, it protects, it hopes, doesn’t run, doesn’t hide, blablabla. Love is all of that and us humans can’t do all that at once. We at least leave out two or three things from its definition. That’s why I tell you that true love doesn’t exist. It only exists in Him.
I wasn’t truly happy because I wasn’t truly loving people around me. I mean, come on. All I want is to punch that son of a bitch in the face. I’ve scratched out everything from it’s definition from there. I lost myself through the hate that I feed in my heart. I’ve been doing that for many, many years now. That’s what’s keeping me from being happy. If you really look at the hate inside of me, you would say that I have lost my soul. It’s filled with darkness and violence. I have a big hole in my heart that I can never fill, so long as I keep myself away from Jesus.
And that is the entire reason why I’m trying to get myself closer to Him. Believe me when I say that I am trying. It’s an exhausting journey, but it’s worth every pain I have to suffer from, because I know He will do me good in time.
I lost my soul through violence, abuse, and hate. I’ve been a very dark and suicidal person ever since. Nobody gets the last word when fighting with me. It’s as if winning through violence or abuse is what keeps me filled somehow when I know it’s a horrible lie that I feed myself with. Though this will be a very long journey to walk in, I know that it’s worth it. I know that being kind, honest, and loving are worth it. “God is kind, but He is not soft,” said the Sicilian Grandmother, Lisa Bevere. I totally think that is true. God has always been kind, but He loves us too much to be gentle with us. He wants us to be courageous and strong. He doesn’t want us to be fragile and weak. That’s why He lets us go through consequences or trials from our own mistakes, from our own bad choices and sins. But never forget that He never lets us go through things that are too big for us. And He is always there if we need Him.
He has been so good to me. And I know that I have let Him down more times than I can count, and yet He is still looking out for me. I guess this is what filled the hole in my heart right now. This is how I found my soul. “Choose love, always.” It’s so simple to say, yet impossible to do sometimes. And yet Jesus wants us – no, He orders us to love, love, and love. He told us to “wear love”.
Ever since I read that, I’ve been trying so hard to literally “wear love” everywhere I go, even in nasty conflicts. Love taught me many things, like self-control, walking in peace, and having positive integrity.
The update of my life? Well, still learning to love. I would roll my eyes right about now after reading this, but I do hope that you guys can share love to everyone, even to the ones you hate. You can definitely daydream of bitch-slapping that hoe in the face, but it’s wise to not stir up anger in your heart. Like I have read somewhere in the Scripture, guard your heart, always. No matter the situation, no matter the consequences, no matter how idiotic people get, guard yourself from anything that might misguide your heart, your mind, or your spirit.