College, karya sastra, Literature, My Wonder-Working God, New York Times Bestselling Author, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized, Writing

Integrity Poem

I get your fear, know your pain

I see through your ways, not your little games

Lies that cripple your soul and swallow you whole

You don’t need to hold on to them no more

 

Your hands might define your flow

But it is your heart that moves your soul

Tides and tight lines only line your sight

But your God is the way to fight

 

Ready your armor and sharpen your knife

Shape your probity and don’t run out of fright

Give Him your hand and He’ll hold it tight

Because He is the way, the truth, and the life

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Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Hardships, karya sastra, Literature, Love, My Wonder-Working God, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

Takut

Perjalanan malam tadi mengusik hatiku

Merampas ketenangan dalam dadaku

Sempit dan gelap sekali perjalanan itu

Gelombang aura jahat dan kantuk merasuki jiwaku

Kuberbahasa roh untuk menjaga kedamaianku

Family, Hardships, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Internship

So I just graduated from high school and currently on the holidays. Holidays from getting out of high school to going to college are very long, around 3 to 4 months. So, I have decided to be an intern. Where, you ask? At my church. It’s an organization. It’s a social thing. So this organization I applied to is very heart-warming. Why? Because it’s an organization to strengthen and build connections in families. This organization is called Focus on the Family. You might have heard of this organization somewhere in the states like in Colorado or maybe you have never heard of it at all. So let me tell you a little bit about it.
Being an intern at FOFI (Focus on the Family Indonesia) is breath-taking. Yes, it’s hard, it’s got a lot of tasks at hand, it makes you sweat buckets and buckets full, and it’s sort of numbing. But I love it. Because this organization is the beginning of life. I remember when I was in junior high school that my friends weren’t very close to their families, and even if they were, they were very…let’s just say, mean. And awkward. I’ve always thought of myself as the most blessed teenager in the world, because I get to be close to both of my parents, and even my brother. Although we fight a lot, too.
Why do I think this organization is heart-warming, you ask? Well, for starters, I just got in to this organization this week, and they have already given me a handful. So the first task they gave me was to translate horrible-numbers of papers from English to Bahasa Indonesian. Now this would be so easy, if it were the other way around. Bahasa Indonesia has never been my thing, but I said yes to the task anyway. As I started squeezing my brain out for good Bahasa Indonesian words (good thing there’s Google Translate, though), I started reading the entire program. And it made my heart ache a little. Reading their entire program about building commitment and affirming love to one another in a family was just…wow. I don’t think you would understand it when I tell you, because you will have to read and translate it yourself (like please help me), but seriously, their program touched me. Their events touched. Their entire thing just touched me in a way no one has ever touched me before. So they have 6 main events: Mother & Daughter, Mother & Son Cookout, Father & Daughter Date, Father & Son Camping Trip, Husband & Wife Date Night, and Marriage Encounter. Each event has exciting and deep ways to strengthen one’s bond to another. Every word they put in those papers for their rundown on the program, I take them to heart and it’s amazing what they are doing. The events are a bit costly, but they work. I went to one of the events way before I got into this intern thing. Let me tell you the story of that.
So weeks before the Father & Daughter Date, my mom bought two tickets. She told me that I will have to take the ticket and go to the event with my dad. I said no. “But you need it. It’s good for you. This event is gonna be like a Gatsby party. You’ll love it!” my mom had said, but I still declined. After being so pushy and annoying, I started to cry that night before I slept. I felt imprisoned to do it. It didn’t feel at all like I was gonna go to a fancy Gatsby party. It felt like she was pushing me into a shrink filled with daughters who have daddy-issues. I don’t need fixing with my dad, I had thought, it’s not important. My dad didn’t let out a single reaction about the event. He was basically very private about his feelings. After weeks have passed, the event was on. My mom forced me into a black dress and such and I finally said to myself that she wasn’t going to let go of this. I finally tamed my feelinga down and just went with the day. When I got into the event was held, I was impressed. It wasn’t like a huge Gatsby party. It was a small room, but they decorated it good. They wanted me to be their model for the event, so I said yes. My dad and I did the video-shoot for the event and after it was done, we both went inside and the event started. It was awkward between me and my dad. Like it was out of place. Yes we talked and smiled and laughed, but that wasn’t enough. That wasn’t enough to fill the large hole inside my heart and the gap in my family. I was surprised to see my close friends being the heart-felt speaker of the event. Fortunately, I knew every single one of the people in the room, as the daughters, fathers, even the staffs and the EO of the event. I was chill at first, but then my friend started speaking. And then she started crying. And then I started crying. She talked about her father, how she never had the perfect figure of a dad in her life and I smiled at her from my seat. We both sort of made each other cry LOL. And I started crying really hard. There is always something about her that makes other people feel her in ways I could never comprehend.
Well overall, each event gives us the opportunity to answer questionaires, write deep and even dark letters to one another. The events simply wanted all of us to start opening the ugly scars in our hearts, pour it out on a page, and start bonding. Because honestly, my generation and under sucks at bonding with our parents. Truly. Not only is there a gap of age but also a gap of communication. And FOFI gives us ways to bridge the gap between these families.
So basically, I love my job. I’m sitting at junior high school right now, taking pictures of moments. I’m helping out at another organization, called No Apologies. This organization are buddies with FOFI. No Apologies is basically an organization that roams around teenagers. While FOFI is about building families together, No Apologies are breaking down the horrible pattern of social media and helping teenagers build self-confidence and letting them know how much they are worth to stay away from SEX before marriage, DRUGS, and to know a deeper meaning of LIFE and LOVE. They’re pretty cool, too, although this place reeks and currently sweating buckets full.
So yeah, being an intern at FOFI and helping out at NA is awesome. I’m not only helping other families and teenagers around Indonesia, but I am also helping myself out. My director of FOFI, Valerie Mellanov Gan, told me that the best way to help yourself out is to help others out. It’s very true. And what’s also cool is that she’s my mom’s BFF so things aren’t as shaky. Anyways thank you for reading and I am so sorry I haven’t been posting anything lately. I just got inspiration today. Hehe

Hardships, Melancholy, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Loving Yourself

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I’ve heard a lot of people coming in and out, saying, “I hate my hair,” “I hate my thighs,” “Ew my face is so fat,” “I’m not man enough,” “I’m not fit enough,” “What is wrong with me?”

Whether those statements come out as just a joke or intentional, they still expose you as the insecure, ungrateful type.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been through so much of that. I’ve had my fair shares of doubts and disappointments about my body and my brain, especially when I went through a heartbreaking and traumatic problem over 5 years in my own small family. Then I have always thought of myself as the consistent failure in school. I don’t hang as much as everybody else before and I certainly hate studying. But when I try, it was as if nature pressed me to keep being the stupid failure I had always been my entire life. I broke down really nasty when I stepped into junior high school, like straight-on crying-with-mucus-all-over nasty. I started doing absolutely crazy things to myself that I shouldn’t have, starting from cutting my own skin to drinking a lot to actually putting a rope around my neck, whilst dealing with the family problem. I was one of the most insecure people back then. I thought of how frail, stupid, freak-like, and ungrateful I was towards my own life. But I also felt like God was so far away, like He didn’t even think of me as His creation, like he had counted me as the last person He’d check up on, as like almost all the people who are in my life.

To put it simply, I have gone through so much pain, depression, and other worldly sin alone and not one person knew about anything, until now. Though I wasn’t alone. I was never alone. God had been with me this entire time and He hadn’t left me at all.

Now don’t think I did not think this through when I wanted to write about this. It was very hard for me. I didn’t want anybody to know what my life is all about. I wanted everyone to think that my life is perfect and fabulous, but after seeing what everybody has become and what everybody has thought of themselves, I decided to step up my game and tell you the real truth about me and every single one of you here.

We are not of no value.

Certainly, most people have this kind of thinking in their heads now. Although not all of you out there are insecure, there are still a number of people who are consumed by envy and crippled by anger of themselves. And here I am, an absolute no-body telling you that you are not supposed to be envious or angry of yourselves. Because Jesus has died on the cross for you and me so that we can be free of all worldly sin like that.

Yesterday, I heard a fantastic Pastor named Lisa Bevere who told us girls that we should be carrying our cross like heroes with swords in hand. What she was saying that we shouldn’t be helplessly listening to God and every time a problem comes in we just say, “Oh, it’s okay. God is with me. He’ll show me the way out of this.” Absolutely not! He never wanted us girls to be standing there weak and frail and longing for God to come and rescue her. God wants us girls to be snipers and predators; He doesn’t want us to just listen to His words. But He wants us to do His words, because if we start doing, His words will be alive and He will bless you and everyone around you.

So up there, I said “we are not of no value” and that is absolutely true. And by proving to yourselves and to other people that you are of value, start by getting out of your comfort zone and be a warrior. Because you will get so much from coming out and following Him who saves.

MB

Hardships, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Beautiful You

Growing up, I’ve experienced countless times of having low self-esteem and awkward moments with even my closest friends. How I was not as useful, beautiful, charismatic, and intelligent as everybody really got the best of me and turned me into a walking pessimist. I began to feel the weight on my shoulders as I realized how I have been so imperfect and nobody liked me for who I am. People stared me down and thought of how I was such a failure. At least, that was what I thought. Even a few of my closest friends a long time ago didn’t have the urge to call me as their best friend because they were ashamed. I began to feel the crumbling feeling in my heart and actually believed that I was not good enough and that I wasn’t worth anybody’s heart and mind.
And then I tripped into junior high school. Changes started happening as I became active at church. My self-esteem was really challenged when my youth church told me to become a singer there. With shaking arms and sweaty pits, I said yes.
After doing ministry a few times (going on and off for months and even a few years), I finally decided to stay rooted in my church. I felt a deep connection with my fellow church friends and youth pastor. And they gave me confidence I never knew I had and they kept pushing me against my boundaries, even until now. I wouldn’t even be able to suck it up and make this blog if they weren’t in my life.
But even though that, I still have my downs. Like how all of my friends are so confident and can bring up a conversation anywhere at anytime and I was only on their tail. I thought that if I could be like them then I could feel complete or perfect. As my mind kept thinking of perfection and my character acted as if I were like them, I tried to think of myself in God’s eyes.
God created us all just the way we are with certain types faces, bodies, hair, characters, and passion. We weren’t made by accident. We were made carefully and in detail, each and every one of us in this world.
By thinking of this often, I started accepting myself – my whole self, and tried telling myself positive things. I started saying “thank you” more than saying “I wish”. I prayed because I was grateful, not because I needed things, because He has already given me plenty. Accepting, being grateful, and loving yourself means respecting God for being such a wonderful and creative God. Don’t ever think you’re worthless, useless, pathetic, or a failure, because God has created you so uniquely to make a better world.

“God has set a unique plan for your life. And he will abundantly prepare you for it. You can trust His provision. And this one’s harder: you can trust His timing.
If you’re busy glancing to the left and right, jealous of someone else’s plan, you may miss the perfect one He’s written just for you.
So when comparison makes you feel “less than”—like you’re the only one who hasn’t been picked yet—remember that God doesn’t ask you to take your cues from those around you. He asks you to take your cues from Him, the one who already calls you his “masterpiece.””

MB

Family, Hardships, Love vs. Lust, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Questions to Answer

So, I know a lot of you here have a lot of questions about hardships in family, work, school, even within yourself and I want to help each and every one of you with that. Although I am 18 years of age and maybe most of you here are older than me, I hope that you will give me a chance to imrpove myself by thinking twice before answering anything. If you need questions that need answering, just post a comment below and I will answer with a humble and wise heart 🙂