Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Teenage Life

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Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, karya sastra, Literature, Love, poem, Puisi, Teenage Life, Uncategorized

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Terikat rantai dan tercabik pisau yang tajam

Family, Feelings, Love, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university

Strictly Thinking

“Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through highs and lows with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night.

And of course, a someone. I don’t know, I think about a lot of people because I think they’re all very important to me. They’re all the people I hang out with every single day and they’re the ones who shape my character. Because the people you associate with every day can do that; they can change the way you think about life, your perspective, and sometimes even your integrity.

But this particular someone that I’m talking about is…how should I say it? Okay. So, I can’t decide from 2 people. Remember the last blog I wrote called We Don’t Talk Anymore? I have completely forgotten about him, I have moved on, and we’re both fine. We’re now talking and that soothed my mind. I don’t have to think about him anymore. And everything’s absolutely great. It’s been, I don’t know, 5 months? I haven’t had a particular someone in my mind for that long. But now, I guess you can say that I’ve been thinking about these 2 different people for over 2 months in total. The first 1 is very almost-similar-to the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy, which blows my mind. Almost everything about him is similar. Almost. And he’s this shy cool guy that everybody loves. He’s so talented. And he’s cute. The second guy is different than the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy and the first one. He’s very laid back and open-minded. He’s really funny. I can relate to him in so many ways and vice versa. He’s like my doppelganger, literally. He’s older and he’s wise. He can get serious when we have to, but he can get really funny when we don’t. And he handles me really well. He treats me right. We both respect each other and I think we both like each other’s company. And the best one yet: he’s heterosexual. So we can look at all these clothes and have the same reaction to everything. It’s really fun having him around.

I don’t think about the second guy very often, since we both know that we are not into relationships and we want to go through with our lives first. So I guess you can say I admire his character. He makes me feel comfortable, but just that and nothing else. The first guy however, is enticing. Whenever I see him, my heart starts pumping and heat radiates through my body. It’s insane. I do not want to fall  for the same things. It’s not right, I know that. But every time I look at him, every time he smiles, and every time he cracks a joke and laughs hard with his friends…it gets me going. It makes me smile, too. He’s looks like a really good guy. I don’t know for a fact that he is, but seeing him almost all the time makes me think that he might be the perfect guy.

Which is horrible because he’s sort of similar to the other guy.

 Anyways, that’s all I’m thinking. This is not a serious thing. This is strictly thinking. Just thinking.

Feelings, Self-confidence, Teenage Life

Alone

You all might feel a little overwhelmed or even uncomfortable when you need or have to go somewhere and all you have is yourself. Most of you wouldn’t want to go out at all if you don’t have anyone to accompany you to a cafĂ© or bar just to enjoy some coffee or beer. And probably many of you think it’s weird to watch movies alone, at least many Indonesians do.

But I don’t.

I think that whenever I see someone going out to the mall, shopping or drinking alone, they are very comfortable in their own skin. They’re confident. They don’t need other people to entertain them or to make them feel better. They’re alone but they don’t feel lonely. I’m one of them. I can go out every single day probably until midnight alone. Because I feel so comfortable with myself. I want to enjoy myself without having to entertain anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an anti-social loner. I go out with a bunch friends. I hang out and watch movies and drink with them, too. I go out with friends a lot. I love having them around, especially genuine friends who love talking about life and not unnecessary things like other people’s faults and bad sides. If I do say so myself, I choose friends who have higher values than just gossipping other people for their own happiness.

I think it’s important for us to be comfortable in our own skin. Not that I want everyone to walk out the house alone every single time. Though I wish I can stop listening to people saying, “I’m scared of going out alone.” or “Why do I have to go by myself when I have a lot of friends?” especially this statement, “I don’t want to walk around alone and making other people think I’m a freak.”

That’s just being judgmental. You go out for your own liking, not others’. And if you think people who go out alone are so-called ‘freaks’, then you’re very close-minded and self-absorbed. People who are like that are mostly meander about themselves. They’re not confident. Or they can’t get it through their heads, since people hate what they don’t understand.

So, don’t be afraid to walk out that door with only yourself because I am telling you now, that you live your life only for yourself, not others. No matter if you bump into those popular kids who would laugh seeing you all by yourself thinking you’re friendless, just think of how different you are compared to them, because you have higher values about yourself and they don’t. Being popular is not about having so many friends to follow you like robots, but it’s being who you really are without doubting yourself and doing your absolute best to keep your life moving forward. And for a bonus, you get friends.

Feelings, Teenage Life, university

We Don’t Talk Anymore

Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through high and low with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another. But since puberty is currently hitting on my little brother and hormones are beginning to pop up, he has become more emotional and unbalanced and unstabled, just like how I was back when I was his age. So things have become a bit off lately, what with all the drama between him and my mother.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night. I used to work at a non-profit organization called Focus on the Family Indonesia as their content writer and No Apologies Indonesia as their photographer as I have told you from my previous blog, but since my mother wanted me to focus more in university, I had to resign. As heartbreaking as that seems, I guess I was relieved I did, because papers are suddenly flowing from my campus.

Family and work are very common things, as well as thinking about a boy. At my age, that’s a pretty clichĂ© thing. You meet a boy, you get close, you feel like you’re going to have a crush on him, and then sooner or later you fall in love. And the next thing you know, you feel heartbroken and those songs you’ve deleted started coming back into your playlist.
That’s me at the moment. Hi.
So about this boy. I’ve known him for almost 6 years now. We used to be best buddies, and now we’re not. Can you guess why? Because I told him that I liked him and oh my God did that ruin e v e r y t h i n g. I thought it would make me feel relieved again, since my heart have been going back and forth to him for almost 6 years (yeah ever since I met him). I thought that we could still be best buddies, or at least be good friends. But we didn’t. As a matter of fact, it’s like I don’t even know him. We walk pass each other like strangers. We don’t talk anymore. And if we do, it would be so awkward and uncomfortable. I never wanted this to happen, but it did. And I have no clue what to do other than keep my distance and fake a smile. The truth is, I wish that I could be his best friend again. I wish that we could just forget about my stupid confession, move on, and continue being weirdos together. But the fact that we can’t makes everything feel so overwhelming. I was so used to cooping up my feelings for him, suppressing it, and hiding it, especially lying about it. It was somewhat uncomfortable. But now that I have opened up about it, damn. It struck me like lightning. It hurts so bad. And I have no idea what else to do other than try as hard as I can to move on when I know that I can’t

karya sastra, poem, Puisi, Teenage Life

Hariku

Aku duduk di sofa dan kuberdiam diri

Aku mendengarkan jarum detik sendiri

Menunggu, menunggu, dan menunggu

Kuusapkan keringat dari dagu

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan gelisah mengusik dadaku

Tetapi kutahu

Bahwa semua itu hanyalah bohong

Walaupun pengetahuan itu luas menyokong

Tetapi rasa itu

Rasa takut yang sangat nyata

Bahwa kamu akan menghilang dari cinta semata-mata

Family, Hardships, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Internship

So I just graduated from high school and currently on the holidays. Holidays from getting out of high school to going to college are very long, around 3 to 4 months. So, I have decided to be an intern. Where, you ask? At my church. It’s an organization. It’s a social thing. So this organization I applied to is very heart-warming. Why? Because it’s an organization to strengthen and build connections in families. This organization is called Focus on the Family. You might have heard of this organization somewhere in the states like in Colorado or maybe you have never heard of it at all. So let me tell you a little bit about it.
Being an intern at FOFI (Focus on the Family Indonesia) is breath-taking. Yes, it’s hard, it’s got a lot of tasks at hand, it makes you sweat buckets and buckets full, and it’s sort of numbing. But I love it. Because this organization is the beginning of life. I remember when I was in junior high school that my friends weren’t very close to their families, and even if they were, they were very…let’s just say, mean. And awkward. I’ve always thought of myself as the most blessed teenager in the world, because I get to be close to both of my parents, and even my brother. Although we fight a lot, too.
Why do I think this organization is heart-warming, you ask? Well, for starters, I just got in to this organization this week, and they have already given me a handful. So the first task they gave me was to translate horrible-numbers of papers from English to Bahasa Indonesian. Now this would be so easy, if it were the other way around. Bahasa Indonesia has never been my thing, but I said yes to the task anyway. As I started squeezing my brain out for good Bahasa Indonesian words (good thing there’s Google Translate, though), I started reading the entire program. And it made my heart ache a little. Reading their entire program about building commitment and affirming love to one another in a family was just…wow. I don’t think you would understand it when I tell you, because you will have to read and translate it yourself (like please help me), but seriously, their program touched me. Their events touched. Their entire thing just touched me in a way no one has ever touched me before. So they have 6 main events: Mother & Daughter, Mother & Son Cookout, Father & Daughter Date, Father & Son Camping Trip, Husband & Wife Date Night, and Marriage Encounter. Each event has exciting and deep ways to strengthen one’s bond to another. Every word they put in those papers for their rundown on the program, I take them to heart and it’s amazing what they are doing. The events are a bit costly, but they work. I went to one of the events way before I got into this intern thing. Let me tell you the story of that.
So weeks before the Father & Daughter Date, my mom bought two tickets. She told me that I will have to take the ticket and go to the event with my dad. I said no. “But you need it. It’s good for you. This event is gonna be like a Gatsby party. You’ll love it!” my mom had said, but I still declined. After being so pushy and annoying, I started to cry that night before I slept. I felt imprisoned to do it. It didn’t feel at all like I was gonna go to a fancy Gatsby party. It felt like she was pushing me into a shrink filled with daughters who have daddy-issues. I don’t need fixing with my dad, I had thought, it’s not important. My dad didn’t let out a single reaction about the event. He was basically very private about his feelings. After weeks have passed, the event was on. My mom forced me into a black dress and such and I finally said to myself that she wasn’t going to let go of this. I finally tamed my feelinga down and just went with the day. When I got into the event was held, I was impressed. It wasn’t like a huge Gatsby party. It was a small room, but they decorated it good. They wanted me to be their model for the event, so I said yes. My dad and I did the video-shoot for the event and after it was done, we both went inside and the event started. It was awkward between me and my dad. Like it was out of place. Yes we talked and smiled and laughed, but that wasn’t enough. That wasn’t enough to fill the large hole inside my heart and the gap in my family. I was surprised to see my close friends being the heart-felt speaker of the event. Fortunately, I knew every single one of the people in the room, as the daughters, fathers, even the staffs and the EO of the event. I was chill at first, but then my friend started speaking. And then she started crying. And then I started crying. She talked about her father, how she never had the perfect figure of a dad in her life and I smiled at her from my seat. We both sort of made each other cry LOL. And I started crying really hard. There is always something about her that makes other people feel her in ways I could never comprehend.
Well overall, each event gives us the opportunity to answer questionaires, write deep and even dark letters to one another. The events simply wanted all of us to start opening the ugly scars in our hearts, pour it out on a page, and start bonding. Because honestly, my generation and under sucks at bonding with our parents. Truly. Not only is there a gap of age but also a gap of communication. And FOFI gives us ways to bridge the gap between these families.
So basically, I love my job. I’m sitting at junior high school right now, taking pictures of moments. I’m helping out at another organization, called No Apologies. This organization are buddies with FOFI. No Apologies is basically an organization that roams around teenagers. While FOFI is about building families together, No Apologies are breaking down the horrible pattern of social media and helping teenagers build self-confidence and letting them know how much they are worth to stay away from SEX before marriage, DRUGS, and to know a deeper meaning of LIFE and LOVE. They’re pretty cool, too, although this place reeks and currently sweating buckets full.
So yeah, being an intern at FOFI and helping out at NA is awesome. I’m not only helping other families and teenagers around Indonesia, but I am also helping myself out. My director of FOFI, Valerie Mellanov Gan, told me that the best way to help yourself out is to help others out. It’s very true. And what’s also cool is that she’s my mom’s BFF so things aren’t as shaky. Anyways thank you for reading and I am so sorry I haven’t been posting anything lately. I just got inspiration today. Hehe