Family, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Love, Love vs. Lust, Marriage, Melancholy, My Wonder-Working God, New York Times Bestselling Author, Rape, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university, Writing

Pure Joy in Our Chaos

I remembered that time when I felt like my life was about to blow up and I’d end up dead in seconds. But it never happened. In fact, I feel as remarkable as ever. See how life screws you over like that? It’s funny, a year ago you were skinning yourself and letting the blood drip on your already-trashy million-dollar carpet and the next, you’re getting married to the most perfect man. It sucks how life gets us up and down like that, but thank God He lets those things happen. Otherwise, we might never learn what it means to actually live a full life. As I was scrolling through my social media, a random person asked, “What does it mean to live life to the fullest?” I thought about it, but didn’t reply him. I just kept thinking and cramming my head. What does it mean to live life to the fullest? I don’t know. I could be rich, have an amazing husband, have a perfect college degree, have a perfect life, and have perfect kids and parents. But that still doesn’t count as living life to the fullest. So, let me ask you guys that question: What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

If you would like to answer, please do. Because I, too, have no idea what ‘living life to the fullest’ means. Well, I do have a simple idea of it – It’s having a solid connection with Jesus Christ. I am not saying this to lure you into a pit of religions, but I have to say, these people who are open-minded but still have a deep connection with Him are pretty cool people and they have pretty cool lives. They are all so present and down to Earth, but they still hold their Scripture close. I’m not sure if I can ever be that kind of person. It’s interesting though, how they manage to solve their problems.

Oh, did you think these people who have solid connections with Jesus don’t have problems? You’re kidding yourself. No, seriously. It’s hilarious how these so-called “Christians” promote Christianity as if it won’t do you any harm. Oh, no! You will definitely feel the scorching torture within. Believe me, I have been there. But after you’re through with it, after you’ve mastered the way to be extremely faithful to Jesus, you won’t find these problems too problematic. Why? Because you have Someone much, much bigger than these problems or trials. You don’t have to weep any longer. Instead, you will worship Him in the midst of your chaos.

I remember these verses so well. I love them. Call me a masochist, but it really does help me go through problems (and don’t even think that my problems are petty). It’s in James 1:2-12 MSG. READ IT! I swear to you, whoever you are, whatever you’re going through, whatever your religion is, I swear it’ll do you good. I was shocked the first time I read these verses. And I was annoyed when I read them the second time. But after reading it over and over again, I finally understood why these verses resonated in my life so annoyingly. Here, I’ll give you a peak at one of the verses:

James 1:2 MSG – Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.

Crazy, right? It told us to consider it a sheer gift when we are facing tests and trials. When we’re facing our mother who is a psychopath. When we are facing our father who is cheating. When we are facing our brother who is a drug-addict. This mysterious writer told us to be grateful when we’re struggling through torturous mishaps or meeting with condescending lunatics. To make matters worse, here’s the next verse:

James 1:3-4 MSG – You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

This mysterious writer was basically telling us to keep ourselves in those tests and trials before the time is right for us to get out of it. Isn’t that wonderful? Ha.

So, you can obviously tell why I was annoyed the first few times I read these verses. It made me feel deranged, because at the time, I was in a very uncomfortable situation. I was going through the worst in my life. I was in a dark place. I was alone. And all of a sudden, as I was listening to Lisa Bevere’s old sermons, she read out those verses. It was either Jesus was telling me to quit sulking or He loves to torture me. Either way, it did me good.

This next verse was pretty much specifically written for me.

James 1:6 MSG – Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.

When I read that, I felt my heart pound a little bit. I started to remember those nights when my prayers were filled with doubts and ‘maybes’. I wasn’t fully aware that Jesus was so much bigger than my sins or my problems and that whatever I ask through faith, He will give it to me. So, all I had to do was ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.

This last verse is for the closing of this blog. I hope you remember all these verses, or at least the message in it. It’s empowering, strengthening, and very much awakening. I hope that you guys can feel what I felt when I read these verses:

James 1:12 MSG – Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.

Ambiguous, Controversial, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, New York, poem, Self-confidence, Uncategorized, Writing


Once upon a time, there was a girl named Danielle Tiffany Abercrombie. She got her name after a famous designer called David Thomas Abercrombie, one of the producers of Abercrombie & Fitch. She grew up in Crested Butte, Colorado, a very secluded and icy cold area. She was a poet, someone who looked up to ambiguous and controversial things. She was a parsimonious altruist, a writer, and a lesbian. She was 21 years old at that time, at an age where people usually already know what they are going to do in life right after graduation from a university they hand-picked by themselves. She was at an age where people didn’t have to mind who they are, because it was just being them. It’s who they are. And they might as well have to accept themselves or kill themselves.

But Danielle found it difficult for her to do both. All her life, ever since she knew about her ‘peculiarity’ of liking the same sex, she wanted to change. She wanted to cut the so-called ‘social deviation’ out of her veins. She just wanted to be like any other girl who likes guys in her Elementary or High School or even campus. She wanted to be like everybody else who God created so perfectly, with no flaw. Why did He create her with that sort of struggle in her life? Why couldn’t He have made her like everybody else?

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

Hamlet’s famous words from Shakespeare’s “The Tragedie of Hamlet – Prince of Denmarke” was Danielle’s only motto in life. And he was right. She was stuck going to and fro about life and death. Hamlet and her had the same thinking. Maybe life right now is hard, but what if death is harder? What if by her committing suicide, she will get something far worse? And when she regrets it, she certainly can’t come back to life. That’s all she thought of in her being.

She felt like a zombie. A zombie walking in a void. That’s how she felt so deeply; hollow and empty. The obsessive need to change was exhausting. And the pressure from her family and friends and community was not helping at all. They kept telling her to move forward, meaning they wanted her to ‘click back’ into the little girl they used to know and take care of and love. But what they didn’t know was she had been that way all her life.

At the age of 15, she had already told her close friend Amery and both her parents. She thought that her closest people in the world would understand and accept her the way she was and still treated her the same. But she was absolutely wrong. When she told Amery, her eyes and mouth popped opened and she said, “Are you crazy?!” When she told her mom, she closed her eyes and teard began to fall. When she told her dad, he stood abruptly and threw his hand to her face. Things did not end very well.

She moved to Manhattan, New York at 23 because she couldn’t take it any longer. She moved to a place where she could be her complete self, taking off her mask she had been wearing for many, many years. Well, she lived alone. Who should she impress?

This is just something I felt like writing. I know it’s a bit of a cliff-hanger, but I don’t know what else to write next. I will update it when I’ve come up of something. But until then, I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for reading.

Feelings, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

You’ll Want to Stay

So I know I haven’t been updating anything for so long, and I know this looks like I’m just so inconsistent, but hey, I need some inspiration to write! Plus, I’ve been busier exploring the poetic part of myself and been going through Instagram (@bingkai_pesona) to update them. If you guys are interested in Indonesian poems, you guys should go and check it out!

What have I been doing – no,  feeling lately? Well for starters, I have felt the need to stress every single aspect of my life. It’s tiring, it’s torture, but I don’t know why, like, I have to do it. It keeps me going. I don’t feel worthless/useless. I just feel like I need to stress and burn myself out with all these things happening in campus and friends and family and even service. So to channel that really nasty energy, I decided to let out poetic Indonesian words out on Bingkai. I’ve been working together with a friend of mine to develop that account. We were both inspired by a few very powerful and influencing accounts on Instagram and we decided to channel all of our sadness, stress, heartbreaks, motivation, happiness, love, and excitement into our account. And just recently, I made an English song.

So, about this song: For those of you who know me personally, I bet all of you know who it is. For those of you who don’t, let’s just say I’ve been interested and keeping my eyes on this guy for about 3 – 4 months. We’ve been friends since last year, because of a conference we attended together. We never really got to know each other that well, but whenever there were big events, we would definitely be inseparable. Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

After my last heartbreak, I figured I needed to neutralize my emotions and rebuild my energy and recollect all the time I’ve wasted for something that wasn’t going anywhere. To be honest, we were serious, but we also knew we weren’t going to go anywhere in the future, since we both had different religions and our family backgrounds are just too Heaven-and-Earth far from each other. And we had gone through a very toxic and tiring relationship. It was best for the both of us to break up and go through our lives separately. And after a month of that, I suddenly moved on to this other guy at my community. I used to like him in Junior High. Although I decided to move on from him by dating that recent guy, I knew I still had strong feelings for him. So, to put it simply, I guess you can say I used to have a huge crush on him for 6 whole years. And to put it frankly, I was a total bitch. I was mean to want to move on from him by dating that recent guy. Although I fell in love with him as time went on, I still thought it wasn’t fair for him to experience that. So after probably another few months of liking the community guy, I decided to put my brain in my shelf and confess to him how I really felt. It did not end well. Honestly, at the beginning I knew it wasn’t going to be like in the Fairy Tales. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly feel this suppressed energy inside his heart he had been feeling but didn’t know what it was. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly change his mind about that girl and be with me. I knew we weren’t going anywhere. But I just needed to tell him. For once in my life, I needed to be crazy-brave. And I did. Although it left a pretty bad wound on my heart, I felt relieved. I would never know what he was feeling or thinking about me if I never confessed, and I would never know for certain where my feelings came from. And now I do, and now it’s gone. And I’m absolutely relieved.

So, after a whole year of not liking 1 single man in my life, I felt absolutely free of any negative vibe. I felt so alive and productive. I gained more and more friends and I felt like I wasn’t just sitting on my couch and crying while eating Pringles and drinking Coke. No, I actually had to sigh and throw myself to bed because of how tired I was from all the productive activities I had been doing. And those were the times I felt like I don’t need a single man in my life.

I attended this field trip to Bandung with my community a few months later. At first, I didn’t want to join. Because I didn’t know these people very well and it would suck if I didn’t have any friends to have fun and goof around with there. But then, this guy I always hung out with at big events accompanied me. The entire day, probably for literally 17 hours, we did not lose sight of each other. We were like 2 papers glued together. We were totally inseparable, we were having a lot of fun and taking a lot of pictures, and at the end of the day, I felt comfortable. I felt safe. And at the bus when we were on our way back home, I slept on his shoulder. I didn’t know why I did that but I did, and I guess that was the start of our closeness and hence the dating.

So, this is the song I wrote. I wrote for maybe around 10 minutes. It’s called “You’ll Want to Stay”.

Baby, stay here don’t you leave me

I’m sorry, I know that you’re hurting

I’m disgusting, just say what you want

I won’t get torn apart

Save me, I’m drowning in your eyes

Come meet me, I promise I won’t cry

Just kiss me♡ before I have to die

In your arms, but that’s good enough

I see that you don’t want me

But I’ll be the one to see

Come and keep me company

Stay close and be that sweet baby♡

Don’t you dare go and walk away

I know that you will want to stay

Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Hardships, karya sastra, Literature, Love, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized


Aku berjalan menuju masa depan

Tetapi sepinya jalan ini

Ada yang dapat kugenggam

Tetapi terasa kosong di tepi

Kubertanya kepada diriku sendiri,

“Apakah ini?”

Angin menerbangkan semua rindu

Harapan keluar dari dadaku

Mengapa perjalanan ini sangat susah?

Semua yang kuingini telah berubah

Dimanakah yang telah kuusahakan?

Hilang semua impian yang kutelah harapkan

Hardships, Literature, Melancholy, poem


I look around through my shoulders

I see myself in every angle

Mirrors exposed and all I can reach

Is why my eyes can only see

The very depth of my breach

What a pity that is

That the hole in my mind kept burning

Like a syringe was ripping through

Like this hurt was made for two

But I am alone

Sipping wine and listening to a tune

Getting drunk of my own sorrows

Does it feel familiar?

Very much

I look at my reflection in the mirrors

And feel myself streak my heart with my own blood