Family, Feelings, Love, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university

Strictly Thinking

“Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through highs and lows with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night.

And of course, a someone. I don’t know, I think about a lot of people because I think they’re all very important to me. They’re all the people I hang out with every single day and they’re the ones who shape my character. Because the people you associate with every day can do that; they can change the way you think about life, your perspective, and sometimes even your integrity.

But this particular someone that I’m talking about is…how should I say it? Okay. So, I can’t decide from 2 people. Remember the last blog I wrote called We Don’t Talk Anymore? I have completely forgotten about him, I have moved on, and we’re both fine. We’re now talking and that soothed my mind. I don’t have to think about him anymore. And everything’s absolutely great. It’s been, I don’t know, 5 months? I haven’t had a particular someone in my mind for that long. But now, I guess you can say that I’ve been thinking about these 2 different people for over 2 months in total. The first 1 is very almost-similar-to the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy, which blows my mind. Almost everything about him is similar. Almost. And he’s this shy cool guy that everybody loves. He’s so talented. And he’s cute. The second guy is different than the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy and the first one. He’s very laid back and open-minded. He’s really funny. I can relate to him in so many ways and vice versa. He’s like my doppelganger, literally. He’s older and he’s wise. He can get serious when we have to, but he can get really funny when we don’t. And he handles me really well. He treats me right. We both respect each other and I think we both like each other’s company. And the best one yet: he’s heterosexual. So we can look at all these clothes and have the same reaction to everything. It’s really fun having him around.

I don’t think about the second guy very often, since we both know that we are not into relationships and we want to go through with our lives first. So I guess you can say I admire his character. He makes me feel comfortable, but just that and nothing else. The first guy however, is enticing. Whenever I see him, my heart starts pumping and heat radiates through my body. It’s insane. I do not want to fall  for the same things. It’s not right, I know that. But every time I look at him, every time he smiles, and every time he cracks a joke and laughs hard with his friends…it gets me going. It makes me smile, too. He’s looks like a really good guy. I don’t know for a fact that he is, but seeing him almost all the time makes me think that he might be the perfect guy.

Which is horrible because he’s sort of similar to the other guy.

 Anyways, that’s all I’m thinking. This is not a serious thing. This is strictly thinking. Just thinking.

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Feelings, Teenage Life, university

We Don’t Talk Anymore

Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through high and low with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another. But since puberty is currently hitting on my little brother and hormones are beginning to pop up, he has become more emotional and unbalanced and unstabled, just like how I was back when I was his age. So things have become a bit off lately, what with all the drama between him and my mother.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night. I used to work at a non-profit organization called Focus on the Family Indonesia as their content writer and No Apologies Indonesia as their photographer as I have told you from my previous blog, but since my mother wanted me to focus more in university, I had to resign. As heartbreaking as that seems, I guess I was relieved I did, because papers are suddenly flowing from my campus.

Family and work are very common things, as well as thinking about a boy. At my age, that’s a pretty cliché thing. You meet a boy, you get close, you feel like you’re going to have a crush on him, and then sooner or later you fall in love. And the next thing you know, you feel heartbroken and those songs you’ve deleted started coming back into your playlist.
That’s me at the moment. Hi.
So about this boy. I’ve known him for almost 6 years now. We used to be best buddies, and now we’re not. Can you guess why? Because I told him that I liked him and oh my God did that ruin e v e r y t h i n g. I thought it would make me feel relieved again, since my heart have been going back and forth to him for almost 6 years (yeah ever since I met him). I thought that we could still be best buddies, or at least be good friends. But we didn’t. As a matter of fact, it’s like I don’t even know him. We walk pass each other like strangers. We don’t talk anymore. And if we do, it would be so awkward and uncomfortable. I never wanted this to happen, but it did. And I have no clue what to do other than keep my distance and fake a smile. The truth is, I wish that I could be his best friend again. I wish that we could just forget about my stupid confession, move on, and continue being weirdos together. But the fact that we can’t makes everything feel so overwhelming. I was so used to cooping up my feelings for him, suppressing it, and hiding it, especially lying about it. It was somewhat uncomfortable. But now that I have opened up about it, damn. It struck me like lightning. It hurts so bad. And I have no idea what else to do other than try as hard as I can to move on when I know that I can’t