Family, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Love, Love vs. Lust, Marriage, Melancholy, My Wonder-Working God, New York Times Bestselling Author, Rape, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university, Writing

Pure Joy in Our Chaos

I remembered that time when I felt like my life was about to blow up and I’d end up dead in seconds. But it never happened. In fact, I feel as remarkable as ever. See how life screws you over like that? It’s funny, a year ago you were skinning yourself and letting the blood drip on your already-trashy million-dollar carpet and the next, you’re getting married to the most perfect man. It sucks how life gets us up and down like that, but thank God He lets those things happen. Otherwise, we might never learn what it means to actually live a full life. As I was scrolling through my social media, a random person asked, “What does it mean to live life to the fullest?” I thought about it, but didn’t reply him. I just kept thinking and cramming my head. What does it mean to live life to the fullest? I don’t know. I could be rich, have an amazing husband, have a perfect college degree, have a perfect life, and have perfect kids and parents. But that still doesn’t count as living life to the fullest. So, let me ask you guys that question: What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

If you would like to answer, please do. Because I, too, have no idea what ‘living life to the fullest’ means. Well, I do have a simple idea of it – It’s having a solid connection with Jesus Christ. I am not saying this to lure you into a pit of religions, but I have to say, these people who are open-minded but still have a deep connection with Him are pretty cool people and they have pretty cool lives. They are all so present and down to Earth, but they still hold their Scripture close. I’m not sure if I can ever be that kind of person. It’s interesting though, how they manage to solve their problems.

Oh, did you think these people who have solid connections with Jesus don’t have problems? You’re kidding yourself. No, seriously. It’s hilarious how these so-called “Christians” promote Christianity as if it won’t do you any harm. Oh, no! You will definitely feel the scorching torture within. Believe me, I have been there. But after you’re through with it, after you’ve mastered the way to be extremely faithful to Jesus, you won’t find these problems too problematic. Why? Because you have Someone much, much bigger than these problems or trials. You don’t have to weep any longer. Instead, you will worship Him in the midst of your chaos.

I remember these verses so well. I love them. Call me a masochist, but it really does help me go through problems (and don’t even think that my problems are petty). It’s in James 1:2-12 MSG. READ IT! I swear to you, whoever you are, whatever you’re going through, whatever your religion is, I swear it’ll do you good. I was shocked the first time I read these verses. And I was annoyed when I read them the second time. But after reading it over and over again, I finally understood why these verses resonated in my life so annoyingly. Here, I’ll give you a peak at one of the verses:

James 1:2 MSG – Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.

Crazy, right? It told us to consider it a sheer gift when we are facing tests and trials. When we’re facing our mother who is a psychopath. When we are facing our father who is cheating. When we are facing our brother who is a drug-addict. This mysterious writer told us to be grateful when we’re struggling through torturous mishaps or meeting with condescending lunatics. To make matters worse, here’s the next verse:

James 1:3-4 MSG – You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

This mysterious writer was basically telling us to keep ourselves in those tests and trials before the time is right for us to get out of it. Isn’t that wonderful? Ha.

So, you can obviously tell why I was annoyed the first few times I read these verses. It made me feel deranged, because at the time, I was in a very uncomfortable situation. I was going through the worst in my life. I was in a dark place. I was alone. And all of a sudden, as I was listening to Lisa Bevere’s old sermons, she read out those verses. It was either Jesus was telling me to quit sulking or He loves to torture me. Either way, it did me good.

This next verse was pretty much specifically written for me.

James 1:6 MSG – Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.

When I read that, I felt my heart pound a little bit. I started to remember those nights when my prayers were filled with doubts and ‘maybes’. I wasn’t fully aware that Jesus was so much bigger than my sins or my problems and that whatever I ask through faith, He will give it to me. So, all I had to do was ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.

This last verse is for the closing of this blog. I hope you remember all these verses, or at least the message in it. It’s empowering, strengthening, and very much awakening. I hope that you guys can feel what I felt when I read these verses:

James 1:12 MSG – Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.

Article, College, Family, Hardships, Love, My Wonder-Working God, Writing

My Update On Life

“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but loses his soul?”

I first heard that somewhat of a rhetorical question from a cool singer called Toby Mac. I was only twelve and I didn’t understand what it meant. I didn’t even know that it was rhetorical until a year ago.

It first made sense when I felt like my whole world was finally at sync with my expectations. I wasn’t sad nor was I disappointed with my dreadful life. I wasn’t ashamed of myself. I never even cried (at the time). It was as if things were finally going well for me. I’ve been alive for twenty years and never have I ever felt this kind of happiness in my heart, though it felt a little strange, considering I felt it when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn’t say that our one-and-a-half-year relationship was an embarrassing epic fail, but it did feel pretty refreshing when it ended. And when it did, it was as if I unlocked a new exciting door in my life.

Being single was the road to happiness and freedom and that’s not even an assumption. It happened, it’s real. I’m not saying this to degrade or bully my ex, since we’re close friends now. But you have to admit, sometimes endings are the beginnings of a beautiful new chapter.

Since the day I accepted the fact that love isn’t real nor is it eternal (at least with living creatures on Earth), things became so clear to me. I could feel rainbows and see unicorns and eat chocolate in my sleep. I felt high in a non-illegal way and it was addictive. I became less paranoid and more into freedom, into days filled with “less of rain, more of sunshine”, but that changed me a little.

As if good change wasn’t invented for me, things shifted a hundred and eighty degrees. Not long after, the universe gave me a call (yeah, I know I’m cheesy). It hates the guts out of me, I had to fall right back to the Hell hole I tried to stay away from. And now, I’m back to zero.

So, where am I now? Well, I am inside my own body, glued with sarcasm and blotched with pessimism. Well, at least I’m oozing with charisma and dazzling with wild.


I started thinking on where I went wrong. I didn’t think I moved on too fast. And I didn’t think I liked another person too much. Everything was balanced – family, friends, work, community, self. It didn’t add up. I thought I had done everything right, but it turns out I was being silly the entire time. I forgot about Jesus and this ugly thing called “true love”.

True love is not on Earth. No, believe me. Yes, bet on it. True love isn’t real. Do you even know what love is? It says that love is patient, kind, humble, it sustains, it provides, it protects, it hopes, doesn’t run, doesn’t hide, blablabla. Love is all of that and us humans can’t do all that at once. We at least leave out two or three things from its definition. That’s why I tell you that true love doesn’t exist. It only exists in Him.

I wasn’t truly happy because I wasn’t truly loving people around me. I mean, come on. All I want is to punch that son of a bitch in the face. I’ve scratched out everything from it’s definition from there. I lost myself through the hate that I feed in my heart. I’ve been doing that for many, many years now. That’s what’s keeping me from being happy. If you really look at the hate inside of me, you would say that I have lost my soul. It’s filled with darkness and violence. I have a big hole in my heart that I can never fill, so long as I keep myself away from Jesus.

And that is the entire reason why I’m trying to get myself closer to Him. Believe me when I say that I am trying. It’s an exhausting journey, but it’s worth every pain I have to suffer from, because I know He will do me good in time.

I lost my soul through violence, abuse, and hate. I’ve been a very dark and suicidal person ever since. Nobody gets the last word when fighting with me. It’s as if winning through violence or abuse is what keeps me filled somehow when I know it’s a horrible lie that I feed myself with. Though this will be a very long journey to walk in, I know that it’s worth it. I know that being kind, honest, and loving are worth it. “God is kind, but He is not soft,” said the Sicilian Grandmother, Lisa Bevere. I totally think that is true. God has always been kind, but He loves us too much to be gentle with us. He wants us to be courageous and strong. He doesn’t want us to be fragile and weak. That’s why He lets us go through consequences or trials from our own mistakes, from our own bad choices and sins. But never forget that He never lets us go through things that are too big for us. And He is always there if we need Him.

He has been so good to me. And I know that I have let Him down more times than I can count, and yet He is still looking out for me. I guess this is what filled the hole in my heart right now. This is how I found my soul. “Choose love, always.” It’s so simple to say, yet impossible to do sometimes. And yet Jesus wants us – no, He orders us to love, love, and love. He told us to “wear love”.

Ever since I read that, I’ve been trying so hard to literally “wear love” everywhere I go, even in nasty conflicts. Love taught me many things, like self-control, walking in peace, and having positive integrity.

The update of my life? Well, still learning to love. I would roll my eyes right about now after reading this, but I do hope that you guys can share love to everyone, even to the ones you hate. You can definitely daydream of bitch-slapping that hoe in the face, but it’s wise to not stir up anger in your heart. Like I have read somewhere in the Scripture, guard your heart, always. No matter the situation, no matter the consequences, no matter how idiotic people get, guard yourself from anything that might misguide your heart, your mind, or your spirit.

American Dream, Article, College, Family, Job Life, Love, New York Times Bestselling Author, Self-confidence, Writing

Soulful or Not?

Being a Content Writer isn’t easy, though since I have applied my entire life for it, I guess you can say that I got used to it. Writing isn’t easy. Thinking of entertaining or ‘eureka!’ words is not a cup of tea. It’s brainstorming, it’s psychology, and it’s soul. I need to use every inch of myself to get a good article or blog post done. Why? Maybe some of you might think of how annoyingly exaggerated I am. But I think that’s what makes a good writer.

I am not a fan of people who can write whatever they want without thinking of the core message that their readers will get from it. But most of the time, I write like those people. It’s exhausting, to be honest, having to write every single day about the same boring topic, which is about business. In case some of you haven’t noticed, I am now doing internship at an e-commerce solution startup. They build sales platforms for other entrepreneurs that need them for their business. Sounds boring? Well, not entirely. At least they are good people with good-quality personalities. They’re driven and excited. I like that about them. They’re good people and they deserve the best out of their business.

Anyways, I am not just a Content Writer at my office. I am also a Content Creator. See, this is somewhat different. I thought they were exactly the same, but I was wrong. For content writing, it’s just the words. But for content creating, it’s literally everything visual and audio. So yeah, it’s not a cup of tea, but it’s what I live for. I love everything about it and it makes me wonder: Have I been a great Content Creator?

Well, not exactly. Yeah, I am creative. But not creative enough. There are a lot of people out there who are so much more creative than I am and sometimes, that makes me feel weak. People say, “Oh, Michelle, you are so multi-talented and creative and beautiful and perfect.” Well, thanks. But I am not what you think I am. I’m just a uni girl trying to get my life together and trying to solve my not-so-creative way of working.

But how do I solve this? It’s a puzzle that I’ve long tried to put together and yet, I haven’t created my Masterpiece. It’s so frustrating because I want to be the best. I’ve never been good at anything else except writing, photography, and singing. But right now, all I want to focus on is writing. Why? Because somehow, I feel my soul intertwined to it, like every single word should matter to me. I don’t want to just write for good marketing or to be an Insta-celebrity. I want every piece of work I do to become an inspiration to somebody. want to be an inspiration to somebody.

“Well, you are an inspiration to me,” my mom said.

I felt like my world has quaked. Did I hear that correctly? My mother, the strongest, wisest, most incredible woman I know said that I am an inspiration to her? It was only a few days ago when she said that – when I told her the reason why I broke up with my now-ex-boyfriend. You might want to laugh. “Why would your mother feel inspired by your weeping heart-breaking end-of-love-story with your ex? That sounds depressing.” Well, of course you’d think that way, because you don’t know the reason why. A few of my friends know about it and it wasn’t a surprise when their confusion flew to another dimension. “But you guys were so perfect.” Wrong again. We have gone through too much intoxicating things together that I do not want to explain, but it had been such a hard lesson for both me and him. We noticed, we learned, and we’re trying to change and move on. That’s what’s important right now.

So, back to my mother. She said that I was her inspiration when she knew that everything I had ever done and said was all because of her. She was the one behind every great thing everybody has seen in me. She was the reason why I’m so loved and deeply cared for. And (okay, do not cry or close this blog) she was the reason why I didn’t commit suicide. “And so, like, what’s your point of all this depressing stories now, Michelle?” It’s this: You need to be soulful. You need to do something with your life. You cannot settle for what you have right now, because you are so much more than what you are now. And last, you need somebody to inspire you. And maybe, once you’ve mastered every piece of your life, you can be an inspiration to somebody else.

Don’t fret, I am still as lost as you are right now. But I’ve got every intention to get myself together and write. To inspire. To create. Watch me, I’m going to be New York Times’ Best-Selling Author one day.

Abortion, Ambiguous, Article, Controversial, Family, Human Rights, Love, Marriage, Rape, Reproductive Rights, Uncategorized, Writing

ABORTION: Let’s Talk Reality

By: Michelle Phoebe

Abortion has been a controversy to many people around the globe. Some countries criminalize abortion, but some others legalize it for certain reasons to support Reproductive Rights. Around 45% of pregnancies among US women in 2011 were unintended and four of ten of these were terminated by abortion, which is 40 out of 100%. There are many non-government organizations that give access to safe pregnancy termination, contraceptive use, and reproductive healthcare.

One of the non-government organizations providing these is Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA). PPFA is one of the organizations in America to provide these rights for women since 1916. Things were going smoothly for the organization, caring for many men and women of their reproductive health, but unfortunately extreme politicians in the Congress, speaking in the name of humanity and religion, find abortion an issue. Therefore, efforts to pull out funding to this organization are coming from a variety of directions. “It’s giving money to an organization that commits abortion,” says Focus on the Family, a California-based non-government organization. Not only will abortion ‘kill’ the infant, but it may be a danger to the mother physically and mentally.

List of countries that make abortions legal only to save the mother’s life:

From the Caribbean From Asia and pacific Middle east and North Africa Europe Sub-Saharan Africa
Argentina Pakistan Kuwait Poland Ethiopia
Bolivia South Korea Saudi Arabia Finland Zimbabwe
Peru Thailand Morocco Germany Malawi
Costa Rica China Netherland Guinea
Switzerland Cameroon
Belgium Burundi
Denmark Burkina Faso
The Netherlands
United Kingdom


There are many other countries listed down, like Indonesia for example, if the case is rape or fetal impairment or to save the mother’s life.

Speaking of health issues, there are many ways abortion can physically and mentally damage the mother if not handled correctly. For example, in illegal clinics moving underground to do abortion with very minimum tools essential for doing the process, most women suffer from heavy or persistent bleeding, damage of the cervix, perforation of the uterus, and possible death. For mental health, it can cause the woman to develop a sense of guilt, loneliness or isolation, eating disorders, nightmares, or depression.

But if the clinic is under an organization that is fully supported financially and do not have complications regarding legality, the clinic will responsibly take care of the woman, giving her counseling about the possible side effects and giving her chance after chance to think about the risks. The process will run with less physical issues and the organization will keep her in contact for any mental instabilities. They will keep things in check and make sure everything is well for the woman.

Abortion may post some health problems, but if handled correctly, things will go back to normal. Talking about mental instability, it might take a while for the woman to feel normal again, though it might not erase her guilt. Having a baby – as some might say – “killed” in the mother’s own belly might be a big problem considering humanity and religion, but it would be a bigger problem if the mother is not physically, mentally, and financially ready to take care of her infant. There is another way to prevent women from choosing abortion, though.

A few years back, a man named Mr. Tong Phuoc Phuc who used to work at a hospital based in Vietnam to make a cemetery for aborted babies went on to adopt babies who were planned to be aborted and keep them in the orphanages, having the goal to reunite the children with their mothers when they are already able and settled down to care for them. Unfortunately, one of the orphanages Mr. Tong was running did not hire proper care-givers and manhandled or ‘disciplined’ these toddlers aggressively. However, in 2014, an Australian non-government organization in Vietnam visited the orphanage to check up on the children there. Now, the orphanage is running smoothly with better care-givers who have been trained to teach and give attention to these children and they all looked happy and healthy.

Abortion is still a controversy to this day. Many believe that abortion can save women’s lives in the future when handled correctly and many other believe that there are other ways for the mother and the baby to have a happy life. There are also available options to choose other than abortion. We still do not have concrete answers to whether or not abortion should be legal, or if it is a life-saving solution. But it has been a heavily thought out plan for many women.



  • The Wall Street Journal: 5 Things to Know About Planned Parenthood
  • Planned Parenthood Federation of America: Abortion Information
  • Huffington Post: White House Rolls Back Protections for Planned Parenthood
  • Which Country Info: List of Countries that Legalize Abortion
  • Guttmancher Institute: Induced Abortion
  • Asia One: Shades of Profiteering and Abuse at Vietnamese ‘Haven” for Unwanted Babies
Ambiguous, Controversial, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, New York, poem, Self-confidence, Uncategorized, Writing


Once upon a time, there was a girl named Danielle Tiffany Abercrombie. She got her name after a famous designer called David Thomas Abercrombie, one of the producers of Abercrombie & Fitch. She grew up in Crested Butte, Colorado, a very secluded and icy cold area. She was a poet, someone who looked up to ambiguous and controversial things. She was a parsimonious altruist, a writer, and a lesbian. She was 21 years old at that time, at an age where people usually already know what they are going to do in life right after graduation from a university they hand-picked by themselves. She was at an age where people didn’t have to mind who they are, because it was just being them. It’s who they are. And they might as well have to accept themselves or kill themselves.

But Danielle found it difficult for her to do both. All her life, ever since she knew about her ‘peculiarity’ of liking the same sex, she wanted to change. She wanted to cut the so-called ‘social deviation’ out of her veins. She just wanted to be like any other girl who likes guys in her Elementary or High School or even campus. She wanted to be like everybody else who God created so perfectly, with no flaw. Why did He create her with that sort of struggle in her life? Why couldn’t He have made her like everybody else?

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

Hamlet’s famous words from Shakespeare’s “The Tragedie of Hamlet – Prince of Denmarke” was Danielle’s only motto in life. And he was right. She was stuck going to and fro about life and death. Hamlet and her had the same thinking. Maybe life right now is hard, but what if death is harder? What if by her committing suicide, she will get something far worse? And when she regrets it, she certainly can’t come back to life. That’s all she thought of in her being.

She felt like a zombie. A zombie walking in a void. That’s how she felt so deeply; hollow and empty. The obsessive need to change was exhausting. And the pressure from her family and friends and community was not helping at all. They kept telling her to move forward, meaning they wanted her to ‘click back’ into the little girl they used to know and take care of and love. But what they didn’t know was she had been that way all her life.

At the age of 15, she had already told her close friend Amery and both her parents. She thought that her closest people in the world would understand and accept her the way she was and still treated her the same. But she was absolutely wrong. When she told Amery, her eyes and mouth popped opened and she said, “Are you crazy?!” When she told her mom, she closed her eyes and teard began to fall. When she told her dad, he stood abruptly and threw his hand to her face. Things did not end very well.

She moved to Manhattan, New York at 23 because she couldn’t take it any longer. She moved to a place where she could be her complete self, taking off her mask she had been wearing for many, many years. Well, she lived alone. Who should she impress?

This is just something I felt like writing. I know it’s a bit of a cliff-hanger, but I don’t know what else to write next. I will update it when I’ve come up of something. But until then, I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for reading.

Feelings, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

You’ll Want to Stay

So I know I haven’t been updating anything for so long, and I know this looks like I’m just so inconsistent, but hey, I need some inspiration to write! Plus, I’ve been busier exploring the poetic part of myself and been going through Instagram (@bingkai_pesona) to update them. If you guys are interested in Indonesian poems, you guys should go and check it out!

What have I been doing – no,  feeling lately? Well for starters, I have felt the need to stress every single aspect of my life. It’s tiring, it’s torture, but I don’t know why, like, I have to do it. It keeps me going. I don’t feel worthless/useless. I just feel like I need to stress and burn myself out with all these things happening in campus and friends and family and even service. So to channel that really nasty energy, I decided to let out poetic Indonesian words out on Bingkai. I’ve been working together with a friend of mine to develop that account. We were both inspired by a few very powerful and influencing accounts on Instagram and we decided to channel all of our sadness, stress, heartbreaks, motivation, happiness, love, and excitement into our account. And just recently, I made an English song.

So, about this song: For those of you who know me personally, I bet all of you know who it is. For those of you who don’t, let’s just say I’ve been interested and keeping my eyes on this guy for about 3 – 4 months. We’ve been friends since last year, because of a conference we attended together. We never really got to know each other that well, but whenever there were big events, we would definitely be inseparable. Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

After my last heartbreak, I figured I needed to neutralize my emotions and rebuild my energy and recollect all the time I’ve wasted for something that wasn’t going anywhere. To be honest, we were serious, but we also knew we weren’t going to go anywhere in the future, since we both had different religions and our family backgrounds are just too Heaven-and-Earth far from each other. And we had gone through a very toxic and tiring relationship. It was best for the both of us to break up and go through our lives separately. And after a month of that, I suddenly moved on to this other guy at my community. I used to like him in Junior High. Although I decided to move on from him by dating that recent guy, I knew I still had strong feelings for him. So, to put it simply, I guess you can say I used to have a huge crush on him for 6 whole years. And to put it frankly, I was a total bitch. I was mean to want to move on from him by dating that recent guy. Although I fell in love with him as time went on, I still thought it wasn’t fair for him to experience that. So after probably another few months of liking the community guy, I decided to put my brain in my shelf and confess to him how I really felt. It did not end well. Honestly, at the beginning I knew it wasn’t going to be like in the Fairy Tales. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly feel this suppressed energy inside his heart he had been feeling but didn’t know what it was. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly change his mind about that girl and be with me. I knew we weren’t going anywhere. But I just needed to tell him. For once in my life, I needed to be crazy-brave. And I did. Although it left a pretty bad wound on my heart, I felt relieved. I would never know what he was feeling or thinking about me if I never confessed, and I would never know for certain where my feelings came from. And now I do, and now it’s gone. And I’m absolutely relieved.

So, after a whole year of not liking 1 single man in my life, I felt absolutely free of any negative vibe. I felt so alive and productive. I gained more and more friends and I felt like I wasn’t just sitting on my couch and crying while eating Pringles and drinking Coke. No, I actually had to sigh and throw myself to bed because of how tired I was from all the productive activities I had been doing. And those were the times I felt like I don’t need a single man in my life.

I attended this field trip to Bandung with my community a few months later. At first, I didn’t want to join. Because I didn’t know these people very well and it would suck if I didn’t have any friends to have fun and goof around with there. But then, this guy I always hung out with at big events accompanied me. The entire day, probably for literally 17 hours, we did not lose sight of each other. We were like 2 papers glued together. We were totally inseparable, we were having a lot of fun and taking a lot of pictures, and at the end of the day, I felt comfortable. I felt safe. And at the bus when we were on our way back home, I slept on his shoulder. I didn’t know why I did that but I did, and I guess that was the start of our closeness and hence the dating.

So, this is the song I wrote. I wrote for maybe around 10 minutes. It’s called “You’ll Want to Stay”.

Baby, stay here don’t you leave me

I’m sorry, I know that you’re hurting

I’m disgusting, just say what you want

I won’t get torn apart

Save me, I’m drowning in your eyes

Come meet me, I promise I won’t cry

Just kiss me♡ before I have to die

In your arms, but that’s good enough

I see that you don’t want me

But I’ll be the one to see

Come and keep me company

Stay close and be that sweet baby♡

Don’t you dare go and walk away

I know that you will want to stay