So I know I haven’t been updating anything for so long, and I know this looks like I’m just so inconsistent, but hey, I need some inspiration to write! Plus, I’ve been busier exploring the poetic part of myself and been going through Instagram (@bingkai_pesona) to update them. If you guys are interested in Indonesian poems, you guys should go and check it out!
What have I been doing – no, feeling lately? Well for starters, I have felt the need to stress every single aspect of my life. It’s tiring, it’s torture, but I don’t know why, like, I have to do it. It keeps me going. I don’t feel worthless/useless. I just feel like I need to stress and burn myself out with all these things happening in campus and friends and family and even service. So to channel that really nasty energy, I decided to let out poetic Indonesian words out on Bingkai. I’ve been working together with a friend of mine to develop that account. We were both inspired by a few very powerful and influencing accounts on Instagram and we decided to channel all of our sadness, stress, heartbreaks, motivation, happiness, love, and excitement into our account. And just recently, I made an English song.
So, about this song: For those of you who know me personally, I bet all of you know who it is. For those of you who don’t, let’s just say I’ve been interested and keeping my eyes on this guy for about 3 – 4 months. We’ve been friends since last year, because of a conference we attended together. We never really got to know each other that well, but whenever there were big events, we would definitely be inseparable. Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
After my last heartbreak, I figured I needed to neutralize my emotions and rebuild my energy and recollect all the time I’ve wasted for something that wasn’t going anywhere. To be honest, we were serious, but we also knew we weren’t going to go anywhere in the future, since we both had different religions and our family backgrounds are just too Heaven-and-Earth far from each other. And we had gone through a very toxic and tiring relationship. It was best for the both of us to break up and go through our lives separately. And after a month of that, I suddenly moved on to this other guy at my community. I used to like him in Junior High. Although I decided to move on from him by dating that recent guy, I knew I still had strong feelings for him. So, to put it simply, I guess you can say I used to have a huge crush on him for 6 whole years. And to put it frankly, I was a total bitch. I was mean to want to move on from him by dating that recent guy. Although I fell in love with him as time went on, I still thought it wasn’t fair for him to experience that. So after probably another few months of liking the community guy, I decided to put my brain in my shelf and confess to him how I really felt. It did not end well. Honestly, at the beginning I knew it wasn’t going to be like in the Fairy Tales. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly feel this suppressed energy inside his heart he had been feeling but didn’t know what it was. I knew he wouldn’t suddenly change his mind about that girl and be with me. I knew we weren’t going anywhere. But I just needed to tell him. For once in my life, I needed to be crazy-brave. And I did. Although it left a pretty bad wound on my heart, I felt relieved. I would never know what he was feeling or thinking about me if I never confessed, and I would never know for certain where my feelings came from. And now I do, and now it’s gone. And I’m absolutely relieved.
So, after a whole year of not liking 1 single man in my life, I felt absolutely free of any negative vibe. I felt so alive and productive. I gained more and more friends and I felt like I wasn’t just sitting on my couch and crying while eating Pringles and drinking Coke. No, I actually had to sigh and throw myself to bed because of how tired I was from all the productive activities I had been doing. And those were the times I felt like I don’t need a single man in my life.
I attended this field trip to Bandung with my community a few months later. At first, I didn’t want to join. Because I didn’t know these people very well and it would suck if I didn’t have any friends to have fun and goof around with there. But then, this guy I always hung out with at big events accompanied me. The entire day, probably for literally 17 hours, we did not lose sight of each other. We were like 2 papers glued together. We were totally inseparable, we were having a lot of fun and taking a lot of pictures, and at the end of the day, I felt comfortable. I felt safe. And at the bus when we were on our way back home, I slept on his shoulder. I didn’t know why I did that but I did, and I guess that was the start of our closeness and hence the dating.
So, this is the song I wrote. I wrote for maybe around 10 minutes. It’s called “You’ll Want to Stay”.
Baby, stay here don’t you leave me
I’m sorry, I know that you’re hurting
I’m disgusting, just say what you want
I won’t get torn apart
Save me, I’m drowning in your eyes
Come meet me, I promise I won’t cry
Just kiss me♡ before I have to die
In your arms, but that’s good enough
I see that you don’t want me
But I’ll be the one to see
Come and keep me company
Stay close and be that sweet baby♡
Don’t you dare go and walk away
I know that you will want to stay