Ambiguous, Controversial, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, New York, poem, Self-confidence, Uncategorized, Writing

Abercrombie

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Danielle Tiffany Abercrombie. She got her name after a famous designer called David Thomas Abercrombie, one of the producers of Abercrombie & Fitch. She grew up in Crested Butte, Colorado, a very secluded and icy cold area. She was a poet, someone who looked up to ambiguous and controversial things. She was a parsimonious altruist, a writer, and a lesbian. She was 21 years old at that time, at an age where people usually already know what they are going to do in life right after graduation from a university they hand-picked by themselves. She was at an age where people didn’t have to mind who they are, because it was just being them. It’s who they are. And they might as well have to accept themselves or kill themselves.

But Danielle found it difficult for her to do both. All her life, ever since she knew about her ‘peculiarity’ of liking the same sex, she wanted to change. She wanted to cut the so-called ‘social deviation’ out of her veins. She just wanted to be like any other girl who likes guys in her Elementary or High School or even campus. She wanted to be like everybody else who God created so perfectly, with no flaw. Why did He create her with that sort of struggle in her life? Why couldn’t He have made her like everybody else?

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

Hamlet’s famous words from Shakespeare’s “The Tragedie of Hamlet – Prince of Denmarke” was Danielle’s only motto in life. And he was right. She was stuck going to and fro about life and death. Hamlet and her had the same thinking. Maybe life right now is hard, but what if death is harder? What if by her committing suicide, she will get something far worse? And when she regrets it, she certainly can’t come back to life. That’s all she thought of in her being.

She felt like a zombie. A zombie walking in a void. That’s how she felt so deeply; hollow and empty. The obsessive need to change was exhausting. And the pressure from her family and friends and community was not helping at all. They kept telling her to move forward, meaning they wanted her to ‘click back’ into the little girl they used to know and take care of and love. But what they didn’t know was she had been that way all her life.

At the age of 15, she had already told her close friend Amery and both her parents. She thought that her closest people in the world would understand and accept her the way she was and still treated her the same. But she was absolutely wrong. When she told Amery, her eyes and mouth popped opened and she said, “Are you crazy?!” When she told her mom, she closed her eyes and teard began to fall. When she told her dad, he stood abruptly and threw his hand to her face. Things did not end very well.

She moved to Manhattan, New York at 23 because she couldn’t take it any longer. She moved to a place where she could be her complete self, taking off her mask she had been wearing for many, many years. Well, she lived alone. Who should she impress?

This is just something I felt like writing. I know it’s a bit of a cliff-hanger, but I don’t know what else to write next. I will update it when I’ve come up of something. But until then, I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for reading.

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Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Hardships, karya sastra, Literature, Love, My Wonder-Working God, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

Takut

Perjalanan malam tadi mengusik hatiku

Merampas ketenangan dalam dadaku

Sempit dan gelap sekali perjalanan itu

Gelombang aura jahat dan kantuk merasuki jiwaku

Kuberbahasa roh untuk menjaga kedamaianku

Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Hardships, karya sastra, Literature, Love, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

MENYERAH

Aku berjalan menuju masa depan

Tetapi sepinya jalan ini

Ada yang dapat kugenggam

Tetapi terasa kosong di tepi

Kubertanya kepada diriku sendiri,

“Apakah ini?”

Angin menerbangkan semua rindu

Harapan keluar dari dadaku

Mengapa perjalanan ini sangat susah?

Semua yang kuingini telah berubah

Dimanakah yang telah kuusahakan?

Hilang semua impian yang kutelah harapkan

Family, Hardships, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Internship

So I just graduated from high school and currently on the holidays. Holidays from getting out of high school to going to college are very long, around 3 to 4 months. So, I have decided to be an intern. Where, you ask? At my church. It’s an organization. It’s a social thing. So this organization I applied to is very heart-warming. Why? Because it’s an organization to strengthen and build connections in families. This organization is called Focus on the Family. You might have heard of this organization somewhere in the states like in Colorado or maybe you have never heard of it at all. So let me tell you a little bit about it.
Being an intern at FOFI (Focus on the Family Indonesia) is breath-taking. Yes, it’s hard, it’s got a lot of tasks at hand, it makes you sweat buckets and buckets full, and it’s sort of numbing. But I love it. Because this organization is the beginning of life. I remember when I was in junior high school that my friends weren’t very close to their families, and even if they were, they were very…let’s just say, mean. And awkward. I’ve always thought of myself as the most blessed teenager in the world, because I get to be close to both of my parents, and even my brother. Although we fight a lot, too.
Why do I think this organization is heart-warming, you ask? Well, for starters, I just got in to this organization this week, and they have already given me a handful. So the first task they gave me was to translate horrible-numbers of papers from English to Bahasa Indonesian. Now this would be so easy, if it were the other way around. Bahasa Indonesia has never been my thing, but I said yes to the task anyway. As I started squeezing my brain out for good Bahasa Indonesian words (good thing there’s Google Translate, though), I started reading the entire program. And it made my heart ache a little. Reading their entire program about building commitment and affirming love to one another in a family was just…wow. I don’t think you would understand it when I tell you, because you will have to read and translate it yourself (like please help me), but seriously, their program touched me. Their events touched. Their entire thing just touched me in a way no one has ever touched me before. So they have 6 main events: Mother & Daughter, Mother & Son Cookout, Father & Daughter Date, Father & Son Camping Trip, Husband & Wife Date Night, and Marriage Encounter. Each event has exciting and deep ways to strengthen one’s bond to another. Every word they put in those papers for their rundown on the program, I take them to heart and it’s amazing what they are doing. The events are a bit costly, but they work. I went to one of the events way before I got into this intern thing. Let me tell you the story of that.
So weeks before the Father & Daughter Date, my mom bought two tickets. She told me that I will have to take the ticket and go to the event with my dad. I said no. “But you need it. It’s good for you. This event is gonna be like a Gatsby party. You’ll love it!” my mom had said, but I still declined. After being so pushy and annoying, I started to cry that night before I slept. I felt imprisoned to do it. It didn’t feel at all like I was gonna go to a fancy Gatsby party. It felt like she was pushing me into a shrink filled with daughters who have daddy-issues. I don’t need fixing with my dad, I had thought, it’s not important. My dad didn’t let out a single reaction about the event. He was basically very private about his feelings. After weeks have passed, the event was on. My mom forced me into a black dress and such and I finally said to myself that she wasn’t going to let go of this. I finally tamed my feelinga down and just went with the day. When I got into the event was held, I was impressed. It wasn’t like a huge Gatsby party. It was a small room, but they decorated it good. They wanted me to be their model for the event, so I said yes. My dad and I did the video-shoot for the event and after it was done, we both went inside and the event started. It was awkward between me and my dad. Like it was out of place. Yes we talked and smiled and laughed, but that wasn’t enough. That wasn’t enough to fill the large hole inside my heart and the gap in my family. I was surprised to see my close friends being the heart-felt speaker of the event. Fortunately, I knew every single one of the people in the room, as the daughters, fathers, even the staffs and the EO of the event. I was chill at first, but then my friend started speaking. And then she started crying. And then I started crying. She talked about her father, how she never had the perfect figure of a dad in her life and I smiled at her from my seat. We both sort of made each other cry LOL. And I started crying really hard. There is always something about her that makes other people feel her in ways I could never comprehend.
Well overall, each event gives us the opportunity to answer questionaires, write deep and even dark letters to one another. The events simply wanted all of us to start opening the ugly scars in our hearts, pour it out on a page, and start bonding. Because honestly, my generation and under sucks at bonding with our parents. Truly. Not only is there a gap of age but also a gap of communication. And FOFI gives us ways to bridge the gap between these families.
So basically, I love my job. I’m sitting at junior high school right now, taking pictures of moments. I’m helping out at another organization, called No Apologies. This organization are buddies with FOFI. No Apologies is basically an organization that roams around teenagers. While FOFI is about building families together, No Apologies are breaking down the horrible pattern of social media and helping teenagers build self-confidence and letting them know how much they are worth to stay away from SEX before marriage, DRUGS, and to know a deeper meaning of LIFE and LOVE. They’re pretty cool, too, although this place reeks and currently sweating buckets full.
So yeah, being an intern at FOFI and helping out at NA is awesome. I’m not only helping other families and teenagers around Indonesia, but I am also helping myself out. My director of FOFI, Valerie Mellanov Gan, told me that the best way to help yourself out is to help others out. It’s very true. And what’s also cool is that she’s my mom’s BFF so things aren’t as shaky. Anyways thank you for reading and I am so sorry I haven’t been posting anything lately. I just got inspiration today. Hehe

Hardships, Literature, Melancholy, poem

Mirrors

I look around through my shoulders

I see myself in every angle

Mirrors exposed and all I can reach

Is why my eyes can only see

The very depth of my breach

What a pity that is

That the hole in my mind kept burning

Like a syringe was ripping through

Like this hurt was made for two

But I am alone

Sipping wine and listening to a tune

Getting drunk of my own sorrows

Does it feel familiar?

Very much

I look at my reflection in the mirrors

And feel myself streak my heart with my own blood

 

 

 

Hardships, Melancholy, My Wonder-Working God, Teenage Life

Loving Yourself

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I’ve heard a lot of people coming in and out, saying, “I hate my hair,” “I hate my thighs,” “Ew my face is so fat,” “I’m not man enough,” “I’m not fit enough,” “What is wrong with me?”

Whether those statements come out as just a joke or intentional, they still expose you as the insecure, ungrateful type.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been through so much of that. I’ve had my fair shares of doubts and disappointments about my body and my brain, especially when I went through a heartbreaking and traumatic problem over 5 years in my own small family. Then I have always thought of myself as the consistent failure in school. I don’t hang as much as everybody else before and I certainly hate studying. But when I try, it was as if nature pressed me to keep being the stupid failure I had always been my entire life. I broke down really nasty when I stepped into junior high school, like straight-on crying-with-mucus-all-over nasty. I started doing absolutely crazy things to myself that I shouldn’t have, starting from cutting my own skin to drinking a lot to actually putting a rope around my neck, whilst dealing with the family problem. I was one of the most insecure people back then. I thought of how frail, stupid, freak-like, and ungrateful I was towards my own life. But I also felt like God was so far away, like He didn’t even think of me as His creation, like he had counted me as the last person He’d check up on, as like almost all the people who are in my life.

To put it simply, I have gone through so much pain, depression, and other worldly sin alone and not one person knew about anything, until now. Though I wasn’t alone. I was never alone. God had been with me this entire time and He hadn’t left me at all.

Now don’t think I did not think this through when I wanted to write about this. It was very hard for me. I didn’t want anybody to know what my life is all about. I wanted everyone to think that my life is perfect and fabulous, but after seeing what everybody has become and what everybody has thought of themselves, I decided to step up my game and tell you the real truth about me and every single one of you here.

We are not of no value.

Certainly, most people have this kind of thinking in their heads now. Although not all of you out there are insecure, there are still a number of people who are consumed by envy and crippled by anger of themselves. And here I am, an absolute no-body telling you that you are not supposed to be envious or angry of yourselves. Because Jesus has died on the cross for you and me so that we can be free of all worldly sin like that.

Yesterday, I heard a fantastic Pastor named Lisa Bevere who told us girls that we should be carrying our cross like heroes with swords in hand. What she was saying that we shouldn’t be helplessly listening to God and every time a problem comes in we just say, “Oh, it’s okay. God is with me. He’ll show me the way out of this.” Absolutely not! He never wanted us girls to be standing there weak and frail and longing for God to come and rescue her. God wants us girls to be snipers and predators; He doesn’t want us to just listen to His words. But He wants us to do His words, because if we start doing, His words will be alive and He will bless you and everyone around you.

So up there, I said “we are not of no value” and that is absolutely true. And by proving to yourselves and to other people that you are of value, start by getting out of your comfort zone and be a warrior. Because you will get so much from coming out and following Him who saves.

MB

Hardships, Literature, Melancholy, Teenage Life

MY INDONESIA

“Kulari ke hutan kemudian menyanyiku

Kulari ke pantai kemudian teriakku

Sepi…sepi, sendiri. Aku benci

Ingin bingar, aku mau di pasar

Bosan aku dengan penat dan enyah saja kau pekat

Seperti berjelaga jika kusendiri

Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai

Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh

Ada malaikat yang menyulam jaring laba-laba belang di tembok keraton putih

Kenapa tidak kau goyangkan saja loncengnya?

Atau aku harus lari ke hutan

Belok ke pantai?”

– Rako Prijanto

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Has any one of you heard of this beautiful poem? Did the depth of it make you want to read it again and again and push you to memorize every single word? Because it did to me. I’ll tell you the meaning of the literature behind it. For those of you who do not understand my language (Bahasa Indonesia), Literature is “Karya Sastra”. In this Literary composition, it tells about someone who is in deep dread, boredom, and despair of being alone. This someone simply wants someone else to be around for them.

This is absolutely one of my favorite “Karya-karya Sastra” that I heard being read in a famous Indonesian movie called Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ? (What’s Up with Love?). I loved that movie because it actually taught me how to use proper Bahasa when writing an Indonesian novel or essay. There were 3 “Karya-karya Sastra” in total, and all 3 of them were wonderful. What I like most about all the “Karya-karya Sastra” is their complicated use of words and meaning in every line.

Now, I’m not only going to tell you about “Karya-karya Sastra”, but I am also going to tell you about my beloved country, Indonesia.

First of all, I have bumped into so many people who think Indonesia is India. So allow me to straighten it for you. No, we are not from India. Although we are both from Asia, we are not of the same country or city or town. Indonesia is a Southeast Asian nation that has varieties of different religion, ethnic groups, and culture.

gelar-tur-ke-wakatobi-raja-ampat-kapal-pelni-disulap-jadi-hotel

What I like about Indonesia is their, of course, “Karya Sastra”, their unique foods, and their nature. Honestly, I think those are the only things I like about Indonesia because our “Karya-karya Sastra” have depth, meaning, & use plenty of complicated grammars, their food are amazing, spicy, raw, & incomprehensible, and our nature is absolutely remarkable. Most people only know of Bali when it comes to Indonesia, or Jakarta. But honestly, people, you have missed a lot more than you think. Yes, I admit. Bali is a wonderful place to vacation in. But you should definitely see Wakatobi Island, Sumba Island, and oh, definitely Raja Ampat Island. If you want to see the beautiful nature in Indonesia, go to those places. Oh, and Papua New Guinea is amazing, too. Although Papua is not part of Indonesia anymore, it is pretty rad. If you’d like to have delicious, cheap, & Traditional cuisines, you should go to Jogjakarta. For some reason, I think Jogjakarta is the best city for you food-bloggers out there. Indonesia is filled with immense uniqueness and there is so much more to Indonesia than what has been going on the news lately.

I know there are a lot of corruptors in my country. Heck, there are too many that we are called the no. 1 corruptors in the world. Corruption comes in different shapes and sizes. But no matter what your reason is, whether it is to help other people or to help yourselves, it is not right. Everybody knows that corruption is not right, but who is to blame that you get more than what you deserve from it? You certainly can’t get away from ‘more’. Although it seems absolutely hard to get the government and a few citizens of Indonesia to stop corrupting, it is not impossible.

Where I live, Jakarta, Indonesia is a fascinating modern city. Jakarta is absolutely wonderful. I love Jakarta. There are a lot of events, malls, good schools, good people, and good jobs here. Jakarta is filled with socialites and mayhem. And although huge malls and good schools are scattered everywhere in Jakarta, there, too are poor people begging on the streets, pleading in some money. Poverty holds a huge amount in Indonesia. There are approximately 261,000,000 people in Indonesia and 11,2% of them in 2015 were poor. And even until now it is still increasing.