Ambiguous, Controversial, Hardships, Job Life, LGBT, Literature, Love, Love vs. Lust, Melancholy, New York, poem, Self-confidence, Uncategorized, Writing

Abercrombie

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Danielle Tiffany Abercrombie. She got her name after a famous designer called David Thomas Abercrombie, one of the producers of Abercrombie & Fitch. She grew up in Crested Butte, Colorado, a very secluded and icy cold area. She was a poet, someone who looked up to ambiguous and controversial things. She was a parsimonious altruist, a writer, and a lesbian. She was 21 years old at that time, at an age where people usually already know what they are going to do in life right after graduation from a university they hand-picked by themselves. She was at an age where people didn’t have to mind who they are, because it was just being them. It’s who they are. And they might as well have to accept themselves or kill themselves.

But Danielle found it difficult for her to do both. All her life, ever since she knew about her ‘peculiarity’ of liking the same sex, she wanted to change. She wanted to cut the so-called ‘social deviation’ out of her veins. She just wanted to be like any other girl who likes guys in her Elementary or High School or even campus. She wanted to be like everybody else who God created so perfectly, with no flaw. Why did He create her with that sort of struggle in her life? Why couldn’t He have made her like everybody else?

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

Hamlet’s famous words from Shakespeare’s “The Tragedie of Hamlet – Prince of Denmarke” was Danielle’s only motto in life. And he was right. She was stuck going to and fro about life and death. Hamlet and her had the same thinking. Maybe life right now is hard, but what if death is harder? What if by her committing suicide, she will get something far worse? And when she regrets it, she certainly can’t come back to life. That’s all she thought of in her being.

She felt like a zombie. A zombie walking in a void. That’s how she felt so deeply; hollow and empty. The obsessive need to change was exhausting. And the pressure from her family and friends and community was not helping at all. They kept telling her to move forward, meaning they wanted her to ‘click back’ into the little girl they used to know and take care of and love. But what they didn’t know was she had been that way all her life.

At the age of 15, she had already told her close friend Amery and both her parents. She thought that her closest people in the world would understand and accept her the way she was and still treated her the same. But she was absolutely wrong. When she told Amery, her eyes and mouth popped opened and she said, “Are you crazy?!” When she told her mom, she closed her eyes and teard began to fall. When she told her dad, he stood abruptly and threw his hand to her face. Things did not end very well.

She moved to Manhattan, New York at 23 because she couldn’t take it any longer. She moved to a place where she could be her complete self, taking off her mask she had been wearing for many, many years. Well, she lived alone. Who should she impress?

This is just something I felt like writing. I know it’s a bit of a cliff-hanger, but I don’t know what else to write next. I will update it when I’ve come up of something. But until then, I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for reading.

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Family, Feelings, Love, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university

Strictly Thinking

“Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through highs and lows with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night.

And of course, a someone. I don’t know, I think about a lot of people because I think they’re all very important to me. They’re all the people I hang out with every single day and they’re the ones who shape my character. Because the people you associate with every day can do that; they can change the way you think about life, your perspective, and sometimes even your integrity.

But this particular someone that I’m talking about is…how should I say it? Okay. So, I can’t decide from 2 people. Remember the last blog I wrote called We Don’t Talk Anymore? I have completely forgotten about him, I have moved on, and we’re both fine. We’re now talking and that soothed my mind. I don’t have to think about him anymore. And everything’s absolutely great. It’s been, I don’t know, 5 months? I haven’t had a particular someone in my mind for that long. But now, I guess you can say that I’ve been thinking about these 2 different people for over 2 months in total. The first 1 is very almost-similar-to the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy, which blows my mind. Almost everything about him is similar. Almost. And he’s this shy cool guy that everybody loves. He’s so talented. And he’s cute. The second guy is different than the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy and the first one. He’s very laid back and open-minded. He’s really funny. I can relate to him in so many ways and vice versa. He’s like my doppelganger, literally. He’s older and he’s wise. He can get serious when we have to, but he can get really funny when we don’t. And he handles me really well. He treats me right. We both respect each other and I think we both like each other’s company. And the best one yet: he’s heterosexual. So we can look at all these clothes and have the same reaction to everything. It’s really fun having him around.

I don’t think about the second guy very often, since we both know that we are not into relationships and we want to go through with our lives first. So I guess you can say I admire his character. He makes me feel comfortable, but just that and nothing else. The first guy however, is enticing. Whenever I see him, my heart starts pumping and heat radiates through my body. It’s insane. I do not want to fall  for the same things. It’s not right, I know that. But every time I look at him, every time he smiles, and every time he cracks a joke and laughs hard with his friends…it gets me going. It makes me smile, too. He’s looks like a really good guy. I don’t know for a fact that he is, but seeing him almost all the time makes me think that he might be the perfect guy.

Which is horrible because he’s sort of similar to the other guy.

 Anyways, that’s all I’m thinking. This is not a serious thing. This is strictly thinking. Just thinking.

Feelings, Self-confidence, Teenage Life

Alone

You all might feel a little overwhelmed or even uncomfortable when you need or have to go somewhere and all you have is yourself. Most of you wouldn’t want to go out at all if you don’t have anyone to accompany you to a cafĂ© or bar just to enjoy some coffee or beer. And probably many of you think it’s weird to watch movies alone, at least many Indonesians do.

But I don’t.

I think that whenever I see someone going out to the mall, shopping or drinking alone, they are very comfortable in their own skin. They’re confident. They don’t need other people to entertain them or to make them feel better. They’re alone but they don’t feel lonely. I’m one of them. I can go out every single day probably until midnight alone. Because I feel so comfortable with myself. I want to enjoy myself without having to entertain anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an anti-social loner. I go out with a bunch friends. I hang out and watch movies and drink with them, too. I go out with friends a lot. I love having them around, especially genuine friends who love talking about life and not unnecessary things like other people’s faults and bad sides. If I do say so myself, I choose friends who have higher values than just gossipping other people for their own happiness.

I think it’s important for us to be comfortable in our own skin. Not that I want everyone to walk out the house alone every single time. Though I wish I can stop listening to people saying, “I’m scared of going out alone.” or “Why do I have to go by myself when I have a lot of friends?” especially this statement, “I don’t want to walk around alone and making other people think I’m a freak.”

That’s just being judgmental. You go out for your own liking, not others’. And if you think people who go out alone are so-called ‘freaks’, then you’re very close-minded and self-absorbed. People who are like that are mostly meander about themselves. They’re not confident. Or they can’t get it through their heads, since people hate what they don’t understand.

So, don’t be afraid to walk out that door with only yourself because I am telling you now, that you live your life only for yourself, not others. No matter if you bump into those popular kids who would laugh seeing you all by yourself thinking you’re friendless, just think of how different you are compared to them, because you have higher values about yourself and they don’t. Being popular is not about having so many friends to follow you like robots, but it’s being who you really are without doubting yourself and doing your absolute best to keep your life moving forward. And for a bonus, you get friends.