Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, Hardships, karya sastra, Literature, Love, Melancholy, poem, Puisi, Uncategorized

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Aku berjalan menuju masa depan

Tetapi sepinya jalan ini

Ada yang dapat kugenggam

Tetapi terasa kosong di tepi

Kubertanya kepada diriku sendiri,

“Apakah ini?”

Angin menerbangkan semua rindu

Harapan keluar dari dadaku

Mengapa perjalanan ini sangat susah?

Semua yang kuingini telah berubah

Dimanakah yang telah kuusahakan?

Hilang semua impian yang kutelah harapkan

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Aan Mansyur, Chairil Anwar, Feelings, karya sastra, Literature, Love, poem, Puisi, Teenage Life, Uncategorized

Cukup

Aku tertimpa dalam beban yang tak dapat kugenggam lagi

Aku tak bisa membawanya lagi

Aku ingin tahu, sampai kapan aku akan merasa seperti ini?

Akankah ada hal yang lebih dalam daripada kekosongan ini?

Haruskah kuakui perasaanku padanya selama ini?

Aku tidak ingin melepas genggaman beban ini

Yang meninabobokkan aku dalam ranjang

Terikat rantai dan tercabik pisau yang tajam

Family, Feelings, Love, Self-confidence, Teenage Life, university

Strictly Thinking

“Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through highs and lows with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night.

And of course, a someone. I don’t know, I think about a lot of people because I think they’re all very important to me. They’re all the people I hang out with every single day and they’re the ones who shape my character. Because the people you associate with every day can do that; they can change the way you think about life, your perspective, and sometimes even your integrity.

But this particular someone that I’m talking about is…how should I say it? Okay. So, I can’t decide from 2 people. Remember the last blog I wrote called We Don’t Talk Anymore? I have completely forgotten about him, I have moved on, and we’re both fine. We’re now talking and that soothed my mind. I don’t have to think about him anymore. And everything’s absolutely great. It’s been, I don’t know, 5 months? I haven’t had a particular someone in my mind for that long. But now, I guess you can say that I’ve been thinking about these 2 different people for over 2 months in total. The first 1 is very almost-similar-to the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy, which blows my mind. Almost everything about him is similar. Almost. And he’s this shy cool guy that everybody loves. He’s so talented. And he’s cute. The second guy is different than the We Don’t Talk Anymore guy and the first one. He’s very laid back and open-minded. He’s really funny. I can relate to him in so many ways and vice versa. He’s like my doppelganger, literally. He’s older and he’s wise. He can get serious when we have to, but he can get really funny when we don’t. And he handles me really well. He treats me right. We both respect each other and I think we both like each other’s company. And the best one yet: he’s heterosexual. So we can look at all these clothes and have the same reaction to everything. It’s really fun having him around.

I don’t think about the second guy very often, since we both know that we are not into relationships and we want to go through with our lives first. So I guess you can say I admire his character. He makes me feel comfortable, but just that and nothing else. The first guy however, is enticing. Whenever I see him, my heart starts pumping and heat radiates through my body. It’s insane. I do not want to fall  for the same things. It’s not right, I know that. But every time I look at him, every time he smiles, and every time he cracks a joke and laughs hard with his friends…it gets me going. It makes me smile, too. He’s looks like a really good guy. I don’t know for a fact that he is, but seeing him almost all the time makes me think that he might be the perfect guy.

Which is horrible because he’s sort of similar to the other guy.

 Anyways, that’s all I’m thinking. This is not a serious thing. This is strictly thinking. Just thinking.

Feelings, Self-confidence, Teenage Life

Alone

You all might feel a little overwhelmed or even uncomfortable when you need or have to go somewhere and all you have is yourself. Most of you wouldn’t want to go out at all if you don’t have anyone to accompany you to a cafĂ© or bar just to enjoy some coffee or beer. And probably many of you think it’s weird to watch movies alone, at least many Indonesians do.

But I don’t.

I think that whenever I see someone going out to the mall, shopping or drinking alone, they are very comfortable in their own skin. They’re confident. They don’t need other people to entertain them or to make them feel better. They’re alone but they don’t feel lonely. I’m one of them. I can go out every single day probably until midnight alone. Because I feel so comfortable with myself. I want to enjoy myself without having to entertain anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an anti-social loner. I go out with a bunch friends. I hang out and watch movies and drink with them, too. I go out with friends a lot. I love having them around, especially genuine friends who love talking about life and not unnecessary things like other people’s faults and bad sides. If I do say so myself, I choose friends who have higher values than just gossipping other people for their own happiness.

I think it’s important for us to be comfortable in our own skin. Not that I want everyone to walk out the house alone every single time. Though I wish I can stop listening to people saying, “I’m scared of going out alone.” or “Why do I have to go by myself when I have a lot of friends?” especially this statement, “I don’t want to walk around alone and making other people think I’m a freak.”

That’s just being judgmental. You go out for your own liking, not others’. And if you think people who go out alone are so-called ‘freaks’, then you’re very close-minded and self-absorbed. People who are like that are mostly meander about themselves. They’re not confident. Or they can’t get it through their heads, since people hate what they don’t understand.

So, don’t be afraid to walk out that door with only yourself because I am telling you now, that you live your life only for yourself, not others. No matter if you bump into those popular kids who would laugh seeing you all by yourself thinking you’re friendless, just think of how different you are compared to them, because you have higher values about yourself and they don’t. Being popular is not about having so many friends to follow you like robots, but it’s being who you really are without doubting yourself and doing your absolute best to keep your life moving forward. And for a bonus, you get friends.

Feelings, Teenage Life, university

We Don’t Talk Anymore

Do you have someone in mind?”

That questions haunts me. Of course, I have a lot of things in mind. My family, for instance. We have grown into such a sustainable groupie. We go through high and low with each other. You can tell by the way we treat each other anywhere we go that we deeply love and respect one another. But since puberty is currently hitting on my little brother and hormones are beginning to pop up, he has become more emotional and unbalanced and unstabled, just like how I was back when I was his age. So things have become a bit off lately, what with all the drama between him and my mother.

And then, a job. I know, I just started uni life, so why am I thinking of getting a job? Well, to put it simply, it just makes me feel useful. Other than gaining more experience and loads of cash, I can feel like I am not a useless couch-potato that listens to heartbroken songs every night. I used to work at a non-profit organization called Focus on the Family Indonesia as their content writer and No Apologies Indonesia as their photographer as I have told you from my previous blog, but since my mother wanted me to focus more in university, I had to resign. As heartbreaking as that seems, I guess I was relieved I did, because papers are suddenly flowing from my campus.

Family and work are very common things, as well as thinking about a boy. At my age, that’s a pretty clichĂ© thing. You meet a boy, you get close, you feel like you’re going to have a crush on him, and then sooner or later you fall in love. And the next thing you know, you feel heartbroken and those songs you’ve deleted started coming back into your playlist.
That’s me at the moment. Hi.
So about this boy. I’ve known him for almost 6 years now. We used to be best buddies, and now we’re not. Can you guess why? Because I told him that I liked him and oh my God did that ruin e v e r y t h i n g. I thought it would make me feel relieved again, since my heart have been going back and forth to him for almost 6 years (yeah ever since I met him). I thought that we could still be best buddies, or at least be good friends. But we didn’t. As a matter of fact, it’s like I don’t even know him. We walk pass each other like strangers. We don’t talk anymore. And if we do, it would be so awkward and uncomfortable. I never wanted this to happen, but it did. And I have no clue what to do other than keep my distance and fake a smile. The truth is, I wish that I could be his best friend again. I wish that we could just forget about my stupid confession, move on, and continue being weirdos together. But the fact that we can’t makes everything feel so overwhelming. I was so used to cooping up my feelings for him, suppressing it, and hiding it, especially lying about it. It was somewhat uncomfortable. But now that I have opened up about it, damn. It struck me like lightning. It hurts so bad. And I have no idea what else to do other than try as hard as I can to move on when I know that I can’t

Uncategorized

BINUS UNIVERSITY, Alam Sutera

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything up here. But now, I’m back! College just started. This is week 2 of Uni Life. So far, everything is amazing. I don’t have any trouble at the moment and I’m loving everything in here: the environment, the lecturers, the friends, and especially the building. They have some facility here! So far I am in love with everything, even the lessons and homework. For the past week, the lecturers introduced to us about the major: Mass Communications. Photography, Public Speaking, Philosophies…they’re all quite interesting! That’s everything I can talk to all of you about at the moment. I’ll go back in here again soon.