A story’s no good without a certain amount of abstractness. With the right amount, the audience has to think while they are watching. If there’s nothing abstract to think about, then the story doesn’t go anywhere. If you’re giving them everything they need, then it’s boring. If you’re like a mother bird feeding her chicks, where’s the fun in that? – Shoichiro Sasaki, film director/producer
I look around through my shoulders
I see myself in every angle
Mirrors exposed and all I can reach
Is why my eyes can only see
The very depth of my breach
What a pity that is
That the hole in my mind kept burning
Like a syringe was ripping through
Like this hurt was made for two
But I am alone
Sipping wine and listening to a tune
Getting drunk of my own sorrows
Does it feel familiar?
I look at my reflection in the mirrors
And feel myself streak my heart with my own blood
I’ve heard a lot of people coming in and out, saying, “I hate my hair,” “I hate my thighs,” “Ew my face is so fat,” “I’m not man enough,” “I’m not fit enough,” “What is wrong with me?”
Whether those statements come out as just a joke or intentional, they still expose you as the insecure, ungrateful type.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been through so much of that. I’ve had my fair shares of doubts and disappointments about my body and my brain, especially when I went through a heartbreaking and traumatic problem over 5 years in my own small family. Then I have always thought of myself as the consistent failure in school. I don’t hang as much as everybody else before and I certainly hate studying. But when I try, it was as if nature pressed me to keep being the stupid failure I had always been my entire life. I broke down really nasty when I stepped into junior high school, like straight-on crying-with-mucus-all-over nasty. I started doing absolutely crazy things to myself that I shouldn’t have, starting from cutting my own skin to drinking a lot to actually putting a rope around my neck, whilst dealing with the family problem. I was one of the most insecure people back then. I thought of how frail, stupid, freak-like, and ungrateful I was towards my own life. But I also felt like God was so far away, like He didn’t even think of me as His creation, like he had counted me as the last person He’d check up on, as like almost all the people who are in my life.
To put it simply, I have gone through so much pain, depression, and other worldly sin alone and not one person knew about anything, until now. Though I wasn’t alone. I was never alone. God had been with me this entire time and He hadn’t left me at all.
Now don’t think I did not think this through when I wanted to write about this. It was very hard for me. I didn’t want anybody to know what my life is all about. I wanted everyone to think that my life is perfect and fabulous, but after seeing what everybody has become and what everybody has thought of themselves, I decided to step up my game and tell you the real truth about me and every single one of you here.
We are not of no value.
Certainly, most people have this kind of thinking in their heads now. Although not all of you out there are insecure, there are still a number of people who are consumed by envy and crippled by anger of themselves. And here I am, an absolute no-body telling you that you are not supposed to be envious or angry of yourselves. Because Jesus has died on the cross for you and me so that we can be free of all worldly sin like that.
Yesterday, I heard a fantastic Pastor named Lisa Bevere who told us girls that we should be carrying our cross like heroes with swords in hand. What she was saying that we shouldn’t be helplessly listening to God and every time a problem comes in we just say, “Oh, it’s okay. God is with me. He’ll show me the way out of this.” Absolutely not! He never wanted us girls to be standing there weak and frail and longing for God to come and rescue her. God wants us girls to be snipers and predators; He doesn’t want us to just listen to His words. But He wants us to do His words, because if we start doing, His words will be alive and He will bless you and everyone around you.
So up there, I said “we are not of no value” and that is absolutely true. And by proving to yourselves and to other people that you are of value, start by getting out of your comfort zone and be a warrior. Because you will get so much from coming out and following Him who saves.
“Kulari ke hutan kemudian menyanyiku
Kulari ke pantai kemudian teriakku
Sepi…sepi, sendiri. Aku benci
Ingin bingar, aku mau di pasar
Bosan aku dengan penat dan enyah saja kau pekat
Seperti berjelaga jika kusendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh
Ada malaikat yang menyulam jaring laba-laba belang di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tidak kau goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Atau aku harus lari ke hutan
Belok ke pantai?”
– Rako Prijanto
Has any one of you heard of this beautiful poem? Did the depth of it make you want to read it again and again and push you to memorize every single word? Because it did to me. I’ll tell you the meaning of the literature behind it. For those of you who do not understand my language (Bahasa Indonesia), Literature is “Karya Sastra”. In this Literary composition, it tells about someone who is in deep dread, boredom, and despair of being alone. This someone simply wants someone else to be around for them.
This is absolutely one of my favorite “Karya-karya Sastra” that I heard being read in a famous Indonesian movie called Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ? (What’s Up with Love?). I loved that movie because it actually taught me how to use proper Bahasa when writing an Indonesian novel or essay. There were 3 “Karya-karya Sastra” in total, and all 3 of them were wonderful. What I like most about all the “Karya-karya Sastra” is their complicated use of words and meaning in every line.
Now, I’m not only going to tell you about “Karya-karya Sastra”, but I am also going to tell you about my beloved country, Indonesia.
First of all, I have bumped into so many people who think Indonesia is India. So allow me to straighten it for you. No, we are not from India. Although we are both from Asia, we are not of the same country or city or town. Indonesia is a Southeast Asian nation that has varieties of different religion, ethnic groups, and culture.
What I like about Indonesia is their, of course, “Karya Sastra”, their unique foods, and their nature. Honestly, I think those are the only things I like about Indonesia because our “Karya-karya Sastra” have depth, meaning, & use plenty of complicated grammars, their food are amazing, spicy, raw, & incomprehensible, and our nature is absolutely remarkable. Most people only know of Bali when it comes to Indonesia, or Jakarta. But honestly, people, you have missed a lot more than you think. Yes, I admit. Bali is a wonderful place to vacation in. But you should definitely see Wakatobi Island, Sumba Island, and oh, definitely Raja Ampat Island. If you want to see the beautiful nature in Indonesia, go to those places. Oh, and Papua New Guinea is amazing, too. Although Papua is not part of Indonesia anymore, it is pretty rad. If you’d like to have delicious, cheap, & Traditional cuisines, you should go to Jogjakarta. For some reason, I think Jogjakarta is the best city for you food-bloggers out there. Indonesia is filled with immense uniqueness and there is so much more to Indonesia than what has been going on the news lately.
I know there are a lot of corruptors in my country. Heck, there are too many that we are called the no. 1 corruptors in the world. Corruption comes in different shapes and sizes. But no matter what your reason is, whether it is to help other people or to help yourselves, it is not right. Everybody knows that corruption is not right, but who is to blame that you get more than what you deserve from it? You certainly can’t get away from ‘more’. Although it seems absolutely hard to get the government and a few citizens of Indonesia to stop corrupting, it is not impossible.
Where I live, Jakarta, Indonesia is a fascinating modern city. Jakarta is absolutely wonderful. I love Jakarta. There are a lot of events, malls, good schools, good people, and good jobs here. Jakarta is filled with socialites and mayhem. And although huge malls and good schools are scattered everywhere in Jakarta, there, too are poor people begging on the streets, pleading in some money. Poverty holds a huge amount in Indonesia. There are approximately 261,000,000 people in Indonesia and 11,2% of them in 2015 were poor. And even until now it is still increasing.
Growing up, I’ve experienced countless times of having low self-esteem and awkward moments with even my closest friends. How I was not as useful, beautiful, charismatic, and intelligent as everybody really got the best of me and turned me into a walking pessimist. I began to feel the weight on my shoulders as I realized how I have been so imperfect and nobody liked me for who I am. People stared me down and thought of how I was such a failure. At least, that was what I thought. Even a few of my closest friends a long time ago didn’t have the urge to call me as their best friend because they were ashamed. I began to feel the crumbling feeling in my heart and actually believed that I was not good enough and that I wasn’t worth anybody’s heart and mind.
And then I tripped into junior high school. Changes started happening as I became active at church. My self-esteem was really challenged when my youth church told me to become a singer there. With shaking arms and sweaty pits, I said yes.
After doing ministry a few times (going on and off for months and even a few years), I finally decided to stay rooted in my church. I felt a deep connection with my fellow church friends and youth pastor. And they gave me confidence I never knew I had and they kept pushing me against my boundaries, even until now. I wouldn’t even be able to suck it up and make this blog if they weren’t in my life.
But even though that, I still have my downs. Like how all of my friends are so confident and can bring up a conversation anywhere at anytime and I was only on their tail. I thought that if I could be like them then I could feel complete or perfect. As my mind kept thinking of perfection and my character acted as if I were like them, I tried to think of myself in God’s eyes.
God created us all just the way we are with certain types faces, bodies, hair, characters, and passion. We weren’t made by accident. We were made carefully and in detail, each and every one of us in this world.
By thinking of this often, I started accepting myself – my whole self, and tried telling myself positive things. I started saying “thank you” more than saying “I wish”. I prayed because I was grateful, not because I needed things, because He has already given me plenty. Accepting, being grateful, and loving yourself means respecting God for being such a wonderful and creative God. Don’t ever think you’re worthless, useless, pathetic, or a failure, because God has created you so uniquely to make a better world.
“God has set a unique plan for your life. And he will abundantly prepare you for it. You can trust His provision. And this one’s harder: you can trust His timing.
If you’re busy glancing to the left and right, jealous of someone else’s plan, you may miss the perfect one He’s written just for you.
So when comparison makes you feel “less than”—like you’re the only one who hasn’t been picked yet—remember that God doesn’t ask you to take your cues from those around you. He asks you to take your cues from Him, the one who already calls you his “masterpiece.””
So, I know a lot of you here have a lot of questions about hardships in family, work, school, even within yourself and I want to help each and every one of you with that. Although I am 18 years of age and maybe most of you here are older than me, I hope that you will give me a chance to imrpove myself by thinking twice before answering anything. If you need questions that need answering, just post a comment below and I will answer with a humble and wise heart 🙂
Hey there, Misters & Missies! Welcome to my random blog. I am so excited! This is my first time using WordPress. I have had many blogs for the past 4 years but I haven’t gotten the time to post or update anything there. Although my previous blogs have been used to make cheesy fan-fictions and annoyingly-rhymed poems, I have decided to take things (slightly – you know, 10%) professionally, that is to write mainly about the love and hardships of family, growing up as a teenager & going through the heartaches & tribulations, and my wonder-working God. I hope you will enjoy and feel every word from the bottom of your heart because I know I have written everything down from mine. And so, welcome to my blog!